Y is for WHY

Can I just say, that is was the absolute worst and best camping trip we have ever had. Just thinking about it makes me cry. The good: my kids having fun with each other, the fun places we visited, and my kids. The worst: Ty.
Why? I wish I knew what his problem was. And I am having a terrible time forgiving and letting go my anger and disappoint. He asks me why I can't just let it go... hmmmm, maybe he asked me yesterday, the same day we got home? Can I just forgive him today? Why should I? I told him that I am not going on any more camping trips with him, and he says that he didn't know that I was a quitter. What the heck?

Talk about falling back to old ways. Ty's excuse for everything, as he told the kids and myself, was that we did not follow his lead and go by his schedule. Well if any of us knew what his schedule was, I am sure that we would all have been right there with him. But we didn't.
Just getting to our destination was horrible.  Ty had printed out the directions, I read them to him - verbatim, telling him how many miles and Google's guessitimate amount of time. When Ty gets a lost (twice), he blames it all on me. Barking at me, making me feel stupid in front of the three younger kids. Every time we drove somewhere, he blamed me if we got lost. My older boys were so mad at him, they were pissed that he was blaming me for everything when we all just followed his directions.

The only plan I knew for sure was that we were going to the campsite, set up camp, and head over to the amusement park. I had found out that on Thursday nights, if you bring in a can of Pepsi, unlimited rides bracelets were only $13.00, usually they are a little over thirty. I figured that we would get the amusement park out of the way and then we could just focus on camping. Apparently that wasn't Ty's plan. He had all of these beaches and stuff to visit and he planned on going back to the amusement park.

The kids slept in and made us get a late start for all his plans. The air mattresses went flat. Grrr
Everything and anything that went wrong was my fault. He was rude, belittling, and mean. When he started barking at the kids, I would get in the way of his wrath. They didn't deserve his shit.

The good, oh my gosh, it was my kids. I have never felt so good as I did while spending time with them or watching them hang out together. Ty missed most of it because he was too miserable to see what was right in front of his face. Things like hanging out at the campground, all of them playing games with each other. The laughter alone was heartwarming. We all went on a hike together. Even Ty. Just a little side note, you will be seeing me at the gym. The kids were constantly walking with different siblings. They laughed and pointed out things to each other. And when I thought that I was going to die and that I couldn't go another more, My second son stopped and rested with me, claiming that he needed to stretch a little. This is the son who is in better shape than any of us. He works out at the gym six days a week. This is the son who is so quiet and reserved, the one I miss the most. And he waited with me, twice. I get teary just thinking about it. Ty was nice about it too. He didn't give me a bad time. But he is a drill sergeant and he keeps us moving forward.

Ty wanted to go back to the amusement park the next night. I am glad that we did. We were there kind of late and there was a free band playing on the beach. The kids had brought a soccer ball and they all started playing around with the ball. They were taking shots, making steals and passes, tackles, and having fun. Note to self: too old to play soccer with them anymore.

The other beaches we visited, Mystery Spot, and hanging out at the campsite were the best times. The S'mores of course were the favorites for everyone.

I am saddened that the mood, overall, was tense and stressful. I don't know if Ty is aware of how much control he has over all of us. And the older three (and myself) never want to go camping again.

This morning, Ty is his usual self. Not even aware of the anger and the unforgiving thoughts that I am feeling. This behavior at camp, was the old Ty. It didn't just hurt me but it also hurt the kids. One of his excuses is that we haven't gone camping since we started DD. Well we went twice last year.  It is unsettling for the rest of us. And I know that I need to find a way to let it go and help him to make amends to the kids. I hope that he figures this out.

WHY???  Is there a reason that he had to be his old self? WHY????  Is there some reason to forgive and start over?  WHY, WHY, WHY????????
 And why is it that I am the one expected to accept what happened and not be angry anymore. A reconnect? That sounds good (she says sarcastically), hurt feeling and a sore bum.

Okay, okay, you got me. You know that this is exactly what will probably happen. Ty will try and make amends some other way. I will accept whatever kind of apology he gives and he will have learned and changed by the next camping trip, and we will probably have the reconnect Tuesday night.

WHY, because that is how it works around here. Domestic Discipline has made our marriage so good. That DD will work again and we will move forward.