Back To The Old Ways

This is actually a post that I had posted on the LDD network on December 8th. But I figured that it was a good place to start with my new blog.

Last night I was reading this really good book. But at 11:00, I turned off the lights like I promised I would. Getting up at 5:30 is tough enough when I get enough sleep, let alone when I read all night. So this morning, I rushed all the kids to school, came home, climbed back into bed and started reading my book again. All warm and cozy, nice cup of hot coffee and reading.............. love it! At least I had a load of laundry going... 

The rule is that I am supposed to get my work done before I go and spend time on the computer but nothing had been said about reading, so I wasn't really worried.

And then he called. I was in a great mood because I was doing my favorite thing, until he said "Are you in bed"?

"Yeah", I said, "I am just finishing this book I was reading last night".

"Is all your work done", he asked.

And then it hit me. My stomach dropped.

"You know you could have just called me and asked if it was alright if you finished your book before you did your work, right"?

And then I felt terrible. Not because I thought I was in trouble but because I let him down. I have been doing so well getting all my work done and he has told me every night how proud he is of me. And I blew it. I wasn't thinking about the whole picture. I regressed into my old way. I used to read for hours. It was my way of escape. Since we started DD, I have done very little reading and I have felt better about myself than ever before. I was helping to make things better by doing the work that needed to get done before I would read or find some other way to avoid life.

I felt like crying - and I am not one to cry easily. I didn't even try to come up with excuses or defend my actions. I just quietly said to him that I was sorry.

To him, I don't think he thought it was such a big deal because he went on to other things and was talking about this and that. I can barely remember what he was saying because there was a big old rock on my chest. I just felt bad.

I have no idea if I am in trouble or not. I didn't even think to ask. And it would probably be better for me if I was. He could spank and forgive me and I could forgive myself. Clean slate, start over again.

 Then when he was saying bye, he told me that I could finish reading but to make sure all of my work got done. I thanked him and promised I would.

My husband isn't controlling me, we have a rule about the work getting done and I side-stepped around it. And then to make things worse, here I am on the computer, kicking myself for being stupid, and my work still isn't done.

 I finished the book though and I have switched the laundry.

I think it is time for me to get off the computer and get down on my knees and have a talk with God and about why I am acting this way. What is pushing me backwards? I don't want to go back to the old ways.



me someday LOL