Wow! What a crazy week it has been for me. I have said this many times, and I will say it till my dyeing day, I love my husband. Almost three years to the day, Ty and I began our DD journey. It changed our marriage like you could never believe. My submission made him feel like a man and his support and leadership made me want to better myself and make our marriage wonderful.
A lot can happen in three years. Life happens. We get busy, the family requires more attention, work is stressful, and sometimes we forget what DD is and what it does for our marriage.
Ty got busy and started to not really be a strong HoH. The less he cared, the less I cared. He wasn't checking up on my work and I may or may not complete it. Unlike in the beginning, I worked so hard to get everything done, I wanted him to be proud of me and I wanted to make his home a place that he wanted to come home to.
I think that we have both seen this coming. But yet we didn't really take the time to notice. Ty was acting in ways that were not HoH like. He was not being the kind of leader that I wanted to follow. Even our Tuesday date nights were not enough. He was distracted and there was no communication about what we were doing. I started to resent the spankings and I would get angry with him. Ty didn't even notice.
Our earlier camping trip this summer, Ty was just a jerk. The entire camping trip would have been a big old flop if it wasn't for my children. I loved having them all together. We laughed and played. Knowing that my children won't always want to go camping with me, I enjoyed every second of it that I could. Ty was unhappy with all of us. We were not following his plan - if we knew there was a plan, all of us would have joined in. He blamed me, again, for everything that went wrong, like getting lost or not packing the items correctly. The kids didn't want to be around him at all. I felt so bad for Ty. He really missed out on a special time. Ty did apologize to me, not the kids, about his behavior. And I forgave him and I hoped that he would see what went wrong and work hard to change things.
If you read my blog from yesterday, you will know that Ty has really been messing up. A leader of the house and family does not behave the way he has been acting. I read the comments from my post yesterday and I appreciated all the words of wisdom and reminders about the commitment I had made to our DD relationship. I prayed and forgave him. He fell asleep before I could say anything.
I decided that if Ty could not lead, then I could not follow. So I wrote him a letter, withdrawing consent. Our DD relationship was off. This does not mean in anyway that our marriage is over or that we are going to immediately fall back to the old ways. But for now, I am done.
When we spoke next, he wanted to talk about this. He felt bad that he had made me cry and since he was the one who had made me cry, I didn't want him to comfort me. He said that he understood why I withdrew and that I had done the right thing. Yes, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.
Later on, Ty came to me and asked for my help. He asked if I would find some information on DD relationships and his role. He felt that he could really use a refresher. He felt like life was out of control and that he didn't know what he was doing. He was frustrated, angry and overwhelmed.
He described it as feeling like he was on a runaway train and was just holding on for dear life. What he needed to do was get to the front car and slam on the brakes before the train crashed. That was his analogy of how things were happening. He remembered how he felt in the beginning of DD. It was so good and he didn't want to lose that.What could I say? I forgave him and then waited for him to say something. Ty said that I was right to call a halt to DD. That he needs to prove to me that he can be a good leader. He wants to earn back my trust. And he wants to make sure that I feel good about following his lead, that I have no doubts or second thoughts.
It does feel better to just write what I am feeling. Things almost don't look so bad. I can even see the light at the end of the tunnel.
It sounds like you did the hard but right thing, withdrawing consent. Now be very kind and supportive as you find big and small ways to come back together. It will happen, I have faith in you both.
ReplyDeleteOh Stormy, I wish so much that we could talk. I could really use some advice from you and maybe something to help. Thanks for believing in us.
DeleteAs hard as it was, you did the right thing. Maybe the harder thing now is to trust him to lead again.....Life is never as smooth a trip as we would wish.
ReplyDeletehugs abby
At least he wants to earn back my trust and not just pick up where we left off. I am a very forgiving person. Well, unless you hurt my child in anyway - the child will forgive way before I do. Life is a roller coaster, peaks, valleys and some smooth times.
DeleteHi Blondie, sounds like you did the right thing, maybe he will realise what he has had and try really hard to make the effort to get it back, lots of love and sympathy
ReplyDeleteJan,xx
Thanks Jan. I think the hardest part of all of this is when he agreed that we should take a break from DD. Then he clarified and said that he does want to earn back my trust and to be a good husband, father, and leader.
DeleteThank you for all of your support.
Hi Blondie, I'm so sorry you are going through such a roughntime. It does sound as though you did the right thing and it's good that Ty wants to prove his leadership to you and earn back your trust. We are currently on a break too and slowly trying to work through making our way back and finding the right balance for us and I have faith that you will too.
ReplyDelete(((Hugs)))
Roz
We definitely need to talk and share our progress. I bet I can learn a lot from you. I thought that starting the DD relationship was hard but this is heartbreaking hard.
DeleteI'm glad that you can see that light Blondie! :) I can see it too, in Ty's words just above that. It shows that his head is in the right place, and that both of you are moving together, in the same direction. That is a really great thing!
ReplyDeleteMarriage can be tough at times! We have certainly gone through some rough stretches in years back. The great thing is that you know about these tools. Even if Dd is off the plate, you both know now what you have to do for each other to love well. :) Sending you big hugs,
<3 Katie
Our marriage has been through a lot or at least we have gone through a lot but stayed married. Something like that. We have had over four years of marriage counseling and have spent time with our pastor. This is what seemed to work. Three years..... out of twenty four. We are not ready to give up because this is the one thing so far that has really changed our marriage for the good. We are not quitters and we are going to fight for a great marriage.
DeleteThank you so much for your support and hugs
Well you know us, poster children for dysfunctional Dd. You also know me VERY well. I have too much to say here, off to email :)
ReplyDeletelove to you
willie
AAAAACCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! I think this is why I haven't been around much, just trying to hold things together and figuring out what was wrong. We'll talk.
DeleteHi Blondie,
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through Bonnie's MBS blog. I'm sorry you and Ty are going through a rough time. Although it was hard, I believe you made the right choice. Reopening the lines of communication and rebuilding trust are definitely steps in the right direction. I wish you both the best.
~Jay
Jay, I am really glad that you are here and commenting. This is really hard and I just have to believe that we are on the same page and we are going to fix what is wrong. He is a good man and I love him unconditionally. But my daughter is watching our dynamic and what he is doing right now is wrong, I would probably have my boys take her husband out to the desert if he treated her this way.
DeleteHugs Blondie!!
ReplyDeleteI think in this situation, you were right to call a halt. You both just need to regroup, and it sounds like Ty understands that. I'm so sorry it's been a difficult time for the two of you, but I know you'll be able to come out of this stronger. We've called a halt to dd twice in the past, and it was the best decision for us at that time, we needed that time to evaluate what we wanted, and he needed time to research or soul search or whatever. I think it's great that Ty is looking for support, I really think it's important for the men in this lifestyle. I know it's going to take some time for you to trust, but I know you'll both get there!!
Jennelle
Thanks Jennelle! Maybe we can email each other and you can share with me more about your breaks and how you came back from them. Thank you so much for your support.
DeleteI'm not sure how long you have been married, but this sounds like your husband is going through some stress or doubts in his own life. Work, just fears of time moving on and wondering if he has accomplished enough, or maybe just not wanting the responsibility of making all the decisions as a Hoh. Up and down periods happen in all lives, not just married ones or DD. I think wives in DD may take on the responsibility, guilt or blame themselves for everything in the relationship. DON'T do that. You've made your feelings known, so just try to allow some space for him and take some for yourself too. Marriage does not have to be DD, but you can try to use the good aspects of it like staying calm, respectful, and appreciative of any little step that he does take. You have to be true to yourself though and look out for your children too, which it sounds like you did on the camping trip. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteWe have been married 24 years this past May. Ups and downs are all part of marriage. We have gone through bankruptcy (it's now off our record - yay), Ty being unemployed for a year and a half, children, in-laws, disasters. The one thing that we have in common is our stubbornness. If this is meant to be, the time to return to DD will be short. My daughter is watching us and I am her role model. She needs to see her dad treat me well, better than well. And for me to treat him with respect and openly respect him. The boys are watching too. The oldest one has wanted to stand up for me many times. He really is angry with the way his dad has treated me. There can only be one alpha male in the house though. DD has just been the best thing for our marriage that we have found in the last dozen years or. so. Thank you so much for your kind words of advice. We can use all of the luck and prayers out there
DeleteHis needing your submission to "feel like a man" kind of strikes me as problematic. I know that you DD wives don't want to hear that, but a man's sense of masculinity should not hinge on whether a woman submits to him or not. I would even take it a step farther, and say a secure man wouldn't need submission to feel like a man. I think DD sets up false ideals that end up causing more pain/anger than what the dynamic ostensibly is supposed to fix or heal in regard to what is wrong in a relationship. Honestly, marriage is a partnership (although I would argue one in which one person is the designated leader whether DD or not) and if you have to be submissive to ensure peace in your family then I would ask what exactly is wrong with your spouse that he can't tolerate or handle a difference of opinion. I mean I honestly don't get that. Also, you don't need DD to display a mutual respect towards one another. Good luck to you, though, as you go forward.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I want to thank you for your comment. It is very insightful. If you had mentioned DD to me five years ago, I would have just shook my head and wondered if these people were insane. I grew up in a feminist household. My mother fought for equal rights and is still paid to speak. My father is an easy going guy that everyone likes but he has no opinion of his own and allows my mother to rule the roost. My husband on the other hand was raised in a very traditional household. I have been known to be a handful. I speak up for myself and I have no trouble in doing that. Things happen in life that are unexpected. I went from being a mom on a mission, full of life and happiness to a very depressed person, having a hard time just getting out of bed. My husband took over all of the parenting, housecleaning and worked outside of the home because I couldn't. Luckily, medicine does help. But we were not happy. We fought about everything. We didn't listen to each other, we didn't parent together, it was a battle. When tragedy hit our family, my daughter, our marriage just about fell apart. I blamed him for everything that happened. We went to marriage counseling for over four years. I would say that the first year was spent on helping Ty get over things and change his attitude. We were taught all kinds of communication skills. But we both couldn't agree on things, we were constantly nit picking, and the kids learned to play us against each other. When we came across DD, it just happened to work for us. 1. I was still lost and overwhelmed when it came to housecleaning, prioritizing, and getting too involved with outside activities. I needed structure because I was having a difficult time with just going through the motions of daily life. And we needed to quit trying to always be right about things. So Ty and I came up with a daily (doable) schedule for me and with this schedule, I answered to him. If I didn't get my work done or I didn't follow a rule that we had both agreed upon, I answered to him. In return, Ty had 51% of the decision making and I had 49%. I gave him the ability to run the household without me fighting him over everything. In return, he listened to me and actually would decide that what I thought was right. There was respect for each other. We became a team as parents. No more did we argue with each other in front of the kids. He backed me up and if I disagreed with him, I spoke to him in private. This has really worked for us. DD is definitely not for everyone. And it may look lopsided but if it makes my marriage better than I will continue with this type of relationship. Yes, my submission helps my husband feel more like a man, I wasn't berating him, making fun of him, and making him feel like ship. Instead, we both treated each other with respect and we both knew our roles in our marriage and we don't fight. We have been married 24 years and have gone through a lot of things. I hope that you will consider this when you think about DD. Please come back and comment anytime.
DeleteI'm sure that must have been hard to withdraw consent, but it seems like it was the right decision. It seems as if Ty has realized that he needs to step up and be that man for you. I'm sorry you're going through this tough time, but it seems like there really is a light at the end of the tunnel for you both. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Kenzie. I just never thought that we would ever come to something like this. Sometimes we just need to kick the other person to get them thinking again. (at least I hope so). Things will not change overnight and we both must be ready to commit to this again. Fun, fun for me - no rules for awhile. Lol
DeleteI'm sorry that you guys have been going through such a rough time. Michael and I know a thing about that. I've withdrawn consent before too. And it was the reality check that Michael needed to get his head together and get back on track so that we could come together again and both get back on track. Don't feel badly about withdrawing consent. It sounds like it was needed. Now that the lines of communication are open again, the two of you can work at getting back on track together. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteGrace thank you so much for commenting and sharing. I remember reading about this on your blog. I thought that you were so strong and it worked for you too. It is a wake up call. Thanks for your support
DeleteI wish I would understand/remember once and for all how so many men retreat and disconnect when they are overwhelmed and feeling like they are doing a lousy job. To add to it, engage in the wrong way and we end up feeding and feeling the brunt of their anger. It is the exact opposite of what we need most of the time b/c with their retreat goes our security. We then disconnect and start caring less. We are strong...we can function and take care of our families and we do. We step up and get it done all the while hoping they will pull it together for us. Bah...the vicious circle it starts and the serious loss of intimacy and communication that happens, sometimes very quickly.
ReplyDeleteI know it feels low but it is obvious that both of you want to regroup and go back to basics. You are both wise to get off the runaway train and face this together. I won't give you the trite "it's going to be okay" b/c I've sat in the messiness and have wanted to kick those who told me so even if in the end they were right. I will pass on what a friend told me once. It was something like this: "Trust him with whatever little bit you have each day but honor him with your whole self." It worked b/c it forced me to open back up and not hold onto resentment, one hard day at a time.
I hope today is a little brighter than yesterday.
Words of wisdom you have shared with me. And wisdom through experience means a lot. I felt bad about this decision after you and MM gave me such good advice. You are both right and we will work it out. Great quote too. I can't imagine things not working out. But Ty needs to figure it out again and I need to trust that he will and love him through it. Thanks again
DeleteIt takes a ton of courage to call a time out, not knowing what kind of response you will get and if it is the right sort of kick in the pants at the right time. I admire you for it and know that you will figure it out. If I ever have to do it I will be stopping by for counsel! :)
DeleteBlondie, I'm sorry that you guys are struggling. That was really brave of you to withdraw consent and brave of him to approach you. I hope that this rocky spot doesn't last too long and that you're the stronger because of it. I also hope you keep your date nights regardless of what happens during them.
ReplyDeleteThanks Leah. Being brave is not very fun sometimes. I think I would rather stick my head in the sand and pretend that all is well. But that isn't fair to any of us. Date nights will probably still be on because we need them, just to spend time together without interruption. Thanks for your encouraging words.
DeleteSweet Blondie...you have received many wise words from everyone above so I will try not repeat their advice. I do believe you have to do what you feel is best for your relationship...you know yourself and Ty best...so if you feel pulling consent was best, then it was definitely the right thing to do. I am sure you will continue to treat Ty with love and respect but make sure you let him know when he has hurt and/or disrespected you. It seems as if he reacts well to the written word...if so, and you haven't done so, I think you should write him a letter letting him know how his behavior and disrespect to you have impacted your children. I've said it before, I would not want to be an HoH for all the marbles in the world...it is a very tough job and requires a lot from a man. If Ty is looking for information, I would send him over to read some of Mick's posts. I know Mick hasn't been around for a long time and wish I knew what was going on with him and Lynda but he had some great advice. There are some links on the right hand side of the blog ‘Letter to the HOH’ and ‘Questions from Lillian’ that Ty might find helpful.
ReplyDeleteYou two have been through so much and I'm sure you will get through this. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. Sending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts.
Hugs and Blessings...
Cat
Mick!!!! That man, where the heck is he? I so agree with you about Mick. His blog was about the only one that Ty ever read. Mick responded to my emails and answered all of our crazy questions. He was the one who gave us the ideas about schedules and following rules. I miss him so much.
DeleteThanks for all of your support, hugs back at ya
HUGS HUGS HUGS Blondie :-) I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time together. You're doing the right thing, for now, and things will get better between you. That;s huge that he recognizes this and you can at least be on the same page as you work through together.
ReplyDeleteI love that man, even when he has things going on that don't make sense to me or that hurt me. He will figure this out. I so appreciate your support. And I really am using those hugs especially when I feel low. Thanks again
DeleteEveryone is so supportive in this community. Speaking from having been there and old ( age brings wisdom right?). I'd say follow your heart and your head. Do what needs to be done for your children, yourself and husband. It's very hard. No one ever said marriage or life was easy. I have days of perfection and days where it all feels dysfunctional. I think we all do if we are honest and open about it. But it gets better. Marriage and family are worth fighting for even though it can be tough. Very tough. You have a lot of friends out here.
ReplyDeleteJackie
Our marriage has never been easy. Love and stubbornness has kept us together. I don't always understand how one person can make me feel so many emotions. This break is really hard because I don't know if wee can pick up and continue or if we are going to do something else. our time together is so limited that it is hard sometimes to discuss it.
DeleteI am glad that you consider yourself to my friend. You give really good insight and experience means more than because you really know how I feel. Thanks
I'm sorry that things aren't the best right now, but as you know, this is just a small bump with many learning lessons and will come out stronger. The good thing is, is that he has come to you and apologized, so many husbands don't even do that. It also sounds like he wants to work hard at earning your trust again. Men do a great job at punishing themselves internally, I think that's why he said you were right about withdrawing consent. Go to him and forgive him and then you two can be back back on the road together again.
ReplyDeleteKim
Thanks for reminding me of what a man does inside that we don't see. He doesn't let me know that something is bothering him or stressing him out or is even hurting. Slowly he just gets moodier and not so nice. Communication and stubbornness will keep us together and help us to heal. Thank you so much for your help and support.
DeleteHey Blonde,
ReplyDeleteYou sure do have a lot a good friends, Blondie and they all are very supportive and positive people. You get back what you give, and so you must give a lot as well. I'm not sure I can contribute much after all those empathic things said. I'm not a man of hugs, although I cherish each one I get, and rather blunt sometimes. So brace yourself, girl.
The question if you did the right thing to revoke your consent in the DD-relationship? That answer has been answered by everyone with yes, you did. Even your husband was literally relieved. Relieved of the pressure he felt of leading something he didn't know whereto. Not every man is a born leader, you know and your Ty is not (and I'm not either BTW). Most of us are not, in fact. Some people who look upon this on the outside think it is all fun and games for the guy “that gets to be the man of the house”, but after three years all new things are gone and what is left that everyone looks at you to make a decisions, and you don't, you have no clue what you are doing. But if you are willing to learn from each other and are not to stubborn to take advice from other man, it won't be a marriage like in a book, but a good one, like in real life.
My wife and I fought like lions the first eight years of our marriage. Eight years of therapy. And just when you think it is all over it starts again: only a few months back we finished our last therapy sessions. Marriage is hard work because life has made wounds that can only healed by time and love. You guys know about that. I admire you both for not quitting, but have the courage to go battle for your marriage.
Your husband knew from instinct the problem was in respect. Between the lines there was respect going only downhill for a while. You really did an extra effort, and he didn't even notice. Guys are, in fact scientifically proven, stupid. It's the same as you go to the hairdresser, dye your blond hair brown wait with a heart that beats like a machine gun waiting for him what he will say, and he will say looking at you without looking ”Hey hun, what's for dinner?” Guys need a little help sometimes, Blonde, they really do. The reason of this crisis is not something you haven't done, the reason is NOT you. Forget about IF I did this of IF I did that. The reason is probably money related, work related, Family in-law related. Who knows? He does, but he doesn't talk about it. He waited for you to give up trust in him, and then said: I feel relieved and you were right I have to work harder at that. He's a guy, Blonde and he doesn't communicate the way you do.
How to move on? You are both on the right track, or so it seems to me. Is it possible to treat your husband still as the man of the house without the spanking and or sex part of a DD relationship? Do you love him that much that from the ashes of today he will gain confidence? I know some people say a guy like that shouldn't be in a DD relationship at all. I disagree. You obviously love the guy to pieces. He obviously loves you back, a blind man can see that. Just be a couple to the kids, backing each others decisions would be a great start.
Anyway, I know this crisis will come and go and when you are old together you will laugh about how many storms you have survived, and how much stronger that made your relationship.
I will leave you with SKON,
(Small Kiss On the Nose),
Han
Can you please move to the USA and hang out with Ty? Lol. You have given me a lot to think about. Thanks you so much
DeleteHi Blondie,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you are going through a difficult time. I wish there were not so many bumps and curves in the way of life but I wish you the strength to handle whatever comes your way and I hope you both work through this tough time and find balance, love, respect, and happiness ahead. Much love and hugs, Terps
From your lips to God's ears. God gives me what I need, not always what I ask for. But I know that we will get through this, I know this through the experiences we have already gone through. Our marriage is meant to be, I just wonder if Ty will ever be up for being the HoH again. He says that he does and I tend to believe him because I can't recall him ever saying something he doesn't mean. Thanks for your support
DeleteUgh! Taking time to figure it out and find out where you need to be sounds like something that you both needed. I hope you will find out where you need to be together and things are better soon!
ReplyDeleteThanks Cygnet! I just hope that it doesn't take too long. I don't like waiting. The good news is, this is a part of our lives not the entire marriage. That's what I know for sure. Thanks for your encouraging words
DeleteBlondie,
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time leaving you a comment but I just wanted to tell you I am sorry you are going through a tough time with your husband right now, my husband and I have been at DD for a little over two years now & I have had to withdraw concent a couple of times-it is so hard and I felt a terrible put in my stomach for the whole time we were "paused" but some real growth took place during our off time. We used to be in a cycle where everything would go smoothly for a few weeks (maybe a month even), and then we would have a downward spiral where we would loose our focus & our rolls became very undefined. Since we have been back from our "pause" we seem to have finally broken that pattern. I think the fact that Ty wants to find information to help him to remember/define his roll as HoH is a very good sign & I will add you to my prayer list that you may also have some growth during this off time & come back to DD together with a renewed commitment & some healing.
Love,
Scarlet ; )
I don't even know what to say. Your words make my heart feel better and somewhat puts my mind at ease. It is nice to know that I am not the only one. Thank you so much.
DeleteI went and checked out your blog and I am really excited to start at the beginning and to learn your story. You have been really kind reaching out to me.