What do you do when the HoH messes up?
I would guess that I am not the first person to ask this question. And I have actually asked it a couple of times but I am not sure of the answer because the mistakes are not the same.
I really hate sharing personnel negative things about Ty, so I am going to give you a similar situation that happened to a friend and I hope that I can get some feedbackThe husband was really excited to take a trip. He had made the reservations months ago. A family vacation! But as the date of the trip got closer, he began to see that things may not work out. Even though he had made the reservations months ago, life happens and when you are dealing with family, there is always some kind of problem. The wife was trying to make this trip work for her husband. She worked hard to help the rest of the family make themselves available, she began packing, and she was making arrangements for those who couldn't go.
It is the night before the camping trip when the husband realizes that this trip is just not going to work. He lashes out at the wife, claiming that she never really wanted to go in the first place. The next morning, the husband was still upset. He behaved like a four year old and pouted, giving snarky comments, and continuing to blame the wife. The next day, the husband decided to take a fishing trip by himself, just to get away from the disappointment. His wife reminded him that he had told the younger children that he would take them to the lake since they were also disappointed. Once again, the husband gets angry with the wife. He really just wanted to get away. He stayed in the garage, not talking to her. About an hour later, one of the children came looking for her bathing suit. Apparently, their dad was going to take them to the lake. The husband wasn't even going to tell the wife. And he didn't even ask her to join them.
That night, the husband apologized for being such an ass. He said he was so sorry and how wrong it was of him. The husband told his wife that it wasn't her fault and he didn't know why he blamed her. He held her lovingly in his arms. The wife is still upset. Her husband was wrong and he gets away with this behavior without repercussions. The wife turns to the husband and tells him that she doesn't forgive him and that he needs to be punished, to pay for his wrongdoing. This really did not go over well with the husband. He told her that he had said he was sorry and he really was. Her attitude was only going to get her in trouble. The wife rolled over, very upset while the husband went to sleep.
That is the example of a friend of mine who's family and some extended family were going to go camping. The husband's brother owned the trailer that they usually stay in and the truck that they put all their belongings in. But his brother had a job he had to finish and his truck was his work truck. I have also heard stories where a husband spent money the couple didn't have, or bounced some checks, or didn't remember to turn on the alarm before they went to bed. All kinds of things that wives get in trouble for doing. So what about the husband. Does the wife get to bend him over a chair and spank his bottom? I know that that will not fly in my house.
Would not fly around here either.....even tho it seems only fair. I would be trying to talk myself into staying calm....and in a day or two try to talk it out.
ReplyDeletehugs abby
I could never really spank Ty, I can't even kill a spider. After years of marriage counseling and being married, we do have a good foundation for communicating. Thanks for your support
DeleteSince I am not in a dd relationship my comment will not help at all. But, if it was me, I would withdraw my permission. He's not acting like an HOH and doesn't deserve the privileges associated with the role.
ReplyDeleteI am considering it. I appreciate your thoughts
DeleteWhether you do dd or not, there is going to be a certain amount of hypocrisy in every relationship. I would have trouble being punished for something that was a repeated mistake of my husband - one time, sure I could let it go. The example about the camping trip would have been very hurtful to me. I'm not sure that I spanking would make me feel better. I'd need a deeper reassurance that we were going to resolve that issue.
ReplyDeleteYou are right in everything you said. Thanks
DeleteHi Blondie, MM here.
ReplyDeleteMy being HOH puts my wife under my authority. The flip side of that means that she is also my responsibility, so I HAVE to care for her. When I DON'T care for her properly, I am answerable to God for my actions. When I do wrong, it usually isn't very long before I feel the weight of the mistake(s) I've made. There is an unspeakably hollow, gnawing feeling inside that leaves no doubt in my mind that I've screwed up, and the only way to overcome that is to humble myself and apologize sincerely to Susie. Even though she would LOVE to take a few swings at my bottom, it would ultimately be unsatisfying... Susie is not in a position of authority over me and the role reversal would be confusing. After humbly apologizing , I would work very hard over the next few days to make SURE I returned to being a good HOH (which would probably also involve unexpected chocolate, taking out the trash without being asked, and backrubs). Susie might also get a little more leeway on the odd snarky comment until equilibrium was achieved. I've made mistakes of this caliber, and re-achieving such equilibrium can be difficult. It takes work, and it takes BOTH of us to do that work. Just as I need to forgive Susie for her mistakes, she needs to forgive me for mine.
"Even though she would LOVE to take a few swings at my bottom, it would ultimately be unsatisfying."
DeleteYou are right, but I think she'd be up for giving you a kick to the shin. No worry about confusion there.
Your words hit me hard. You are so right and I really appreciate the reminder of what this relationship is all about and how much I love my husband. Thanks you
DeleteThere's not much dd going on here, so I don't have a lot of experience. However, I would try to negotiate several "get out of jail free" cards for me to use at my discretion in the future. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteGreat idea! I will have to remember that one. Thanks
DeleteI understand that your feeling upset but if your in a traditional DD relationship you don't get to punish. Think of it like a time you've disappointed a child they don't get to punish a parent. The nice thing would be for the HOH to try to make it up to you by being extra nice and loving. Even if he is wrong saying you don't forgive him and having a bad attitude is disrespectful and warrents a spanking for you unfortunatly:/ Dd isn't easy. Hope things are better soon!
ReplyDeleteWow! Great example and one that makes sense. You are right about a bad attitude too. I hope you come around more often, I need all the good advice I can get. Thank you
DeleteI like the "real" bloggers. DD is hard! Things aren't perfect and we seem to be in similar difficult circumstances. Im following:)
DeleteHi Blondie, :) That wouldn't work out around here either. Sometimes stuff happens and I think that it is important to tell our guys how we feel, as soon as we can do it in a respectful and calm manner. Sometimes that might take a little time. Hopefully the response is positive and they take their role seriously, and do what they need to, to show you that they are sorry and that they've got you. I hope things are on the up and up! Many hugs,
ReplyDelete<3 Katie
Katie, thanks so much for your support. I am very good at sharing or making my feelings known. I would definitely be a poor poker player and I can express my feelings in writing him notes. Thank you
DeleteSometimes relationships just SUCK! Why can't we all just be on the same bloody page and see things the same, all the time??? I am sorry that you were let down this weekend. I am sorry that Ty reacted in a less than stellar way, and that further added to your disappointment. It is so annoying when they are human isn't it?
ReplyDeleteYup there is a certain hypocrisy to a Dd dynamic. Most times it is the little stuff that can be looked past, but when we are already in a place of hurt, frustration and/or disappointment it can be an exclamation point where one is not needed. And makes us feel insecure in their leadership ( don't kid yourself, they feel that).
I have no advice that you don't already have inside of you. Time is a good duller of emotions, and then talking helps make you feel better. Get it off of your chest. I know, sometimes it makes matters worse with their emotions in the short turn. I know that sometimes we feel, "what is the point?". The point? We all have to grow and change. Lord knows I am not perfect, and I try to remember that ( yeah I kinda suck at it during the emotional storm) when Barney screws up. And to be honest I can't fathom having to do/act/ think the right thing ALL the time. ( I am not good with pressure ;)
Forgiveness for him without him 'making it up to you', will free you. Based on our past, if Barney was the man in the story above, his being snarky and then wanting to go away, acting like a four year old, would have all stemmed mostly from disappointing me. Then it snowballs from there. The longer I am disappointed in him, the deeper down he goes.
Don't stew too long, I know that isn't you nor does it make you content.
Love ya!
willie
Hate it when there is too much to say in a comment. You are right in so many ways and being that you know the details, I appreciate your helpful insights and always your support
DeleteHey Blondie...I think MM gave you an awesome answer. I know that my ex and Matthew both messed up at times and had to work hard to set things right.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I'd like to point out is a facet of DD...when I received a spanking for violating a rule, all was forgiven afterward...my behavior was not held against me. When an HoH sincerely and humbly apologizes, all needs to be forgiven...holding his behavior against him is only going to cause hard feelings and trouble. Yes, I agree with MM that he needs to work hard to set everything aright but that's awfully hard to do if a wife has hardened her heart.
None of us are perfect and we are all going to make mistakes and have to atone...the difference is that while he will spank you and all is forgiven, he has to work very hard for his forgiveness. I actually think it's tougher for the HoH.
Sending lots of prayers, healing energy and positive thoughts.
Hugs and Blessings...
Cat
Cat, I wish sometimes that I could just have a direct line to you so you can give me all your advice before I have him sleeping with the dog. Thank you for your insight. And I can understand what you say
DeleteBlondie, I think it's so hard when the HoH messes up because, unlike when we do, we don't get to spank, forgive and move forward. I think it's important for the HoH to apologise sincerely and work to ensure the situation doesn't happen again and to make amends.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
When Ty decides to apologize sincerely, I know that he has made that decision from the heart. Thank you for your encouragement and words of advice
DeleteForgiveness is such a tricky thing when you're so hurt. The tendency is to want to hurt the person that hurt you (I don't know if this is true for you, but is that possibly why you are thinking about the spanking of husbands?). In a perfect world, I think the spanking in dd is to help set you on the right path as a couple and move forward without there being lingering guilt. If you were to spank Ty (just go with me here), would those things happen? If it wouldn't help you forgive, move past and carry on (which I suspect it wouldn't, since that isn't your dynamic), then I think you need to ask yourself if the sky was the limit, what could help you forgive, move past and carry on? If he was extra attentive and trying really hard to get back into your good graces, like MM suggested would that work? I am sure you will forgive and move on when the hurt is less fresh and you two figure out what needs to be done to make amends. Sorry you have been having to deal with this stress!
ReplyDeleteFor me to forgive, without any thought, he would need to apologize and to mean it. Action speaks louder than words. Thanks for your support
DeleteFrom my perspective the idea that the HOH gets off scot free without repercussions is false. He is stuck living with his screw up and trying to make amends for it. There is no spanking for him that wipes the slate clean. While the spanking the wife gets is more physically painful, I think what the husband goes through may be more emotionally painful. Certainly his absolution often comes more slowly. As for withholding forgiveness, that's not good for either the husband or wife, both on the giving and receiving end of it. *tossing in my 2 cents)
ReplyDeleteWow Grace! Thanks for sharing your "two cents", though it is worth a whole lot more. It is nice to be forgiven with a spanking, that the way the guilt doesn't eat me. So I do imagine it would be harder for him. Thank you very much
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