If you are in any type of spanking relationship, do you submit to the spanker?
First there is the spanking for fun, usually used as part of a sexual encounter.
Then there is BDSM (please excuse for simflying this), there is a Dom and a Sub. The Dom is to know what his sub needs and takes care of her. Their spanking can be used sexually or in punishment. There are those who live the life 24/7 and some only do it when visiting clubs.
Taken in Hand, Domestic Discipline, TTWD, CDD, and I am sure there is more. Usually this is a relationship where there is one in charge, the leader who is to take care of (him/her) and the family. The "sub" follows the lead and is disciplined when they do something wrong.And maybe there is no spankings but you feel submissive to the HoH (Head of the House)
Where do you fit in? And please don't try to worry about labels. I really don't care. What I am looking for is "what being submissive means to you"
Ty and I have been discussing what it means to be submissive. Yes maybe I am a little head strong and I don't like be told what to do. At times I am too quick to anger or I pout before things are explained. That doesn't sound very submissive to most people, including Ty
But on the other hand, I do follow his lead and try to not do any of the before mentioned. We started our relationship as Domestic Discipline as our guide. What we took from that is what is called the Four D's. These are Dishonesty, Disobedience, Disrespectful, and Dangerous. These are the boundaries of our rules. Dishonesty and Dangerous are pretty much non existent. I am so honest that I could hurt people's feelings. I don't lie, especially to my husband. I have always been honest with him. And dangerous, I am a very cautious person. I am a rule follower. I support his decision, especially when it comes to the children. I follow the chore list that I am given. And I try to make our home his castle.
I don't want to be disobedient or disrespectful. But when I feel as if my opinion is not being heard or that Ty is being an ass, I am disrespectful and I can be disobedient. I want to be heard, I want to be treated with respect, and I want to feel safe and loved.
It hurts my feelings when Ty says that I am not submissive. I never agreed to a relationship where I would just follow without question. We had been married for over 20years when we started this kind of relationship. And I want our marriage to work. I want to be a team with him.
So tell me, what does submissive mean to you?
I'm not married ,,but I know husbands can be a real ass sometimes
ReplyDeleteL
This is the very best comment that I have read on any blog. Say it like it is
DeleteBlondie, you know I'm not in that kind of relationship. To me, submission does not mean you're a doormat. You still have opinions and your voice should be heard. You deserve all of the things you mentioned and shouldn't settle for less. I believe if anyone is acting like an ass, you should be able to tell them how you feel but do it in a conversation, not in a shouting match. After all, it is only an opinion and if it is owned, it should be claimed.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I cannot be silenced. It just isn't working for me. I am too full of piss and vinegar to be a doormat. LoL
DeleteOh Lord how much time do you have? This is a conversation, and you know what? Something we sort of went through this summer......'ding' me.
ReplyDeletelove ya
willie
( I would share here, but the font is so big I'd take more space than your post ....yeah I have a lot to say)
What's wrong with my font? Okay, so it is a little big but I am still getting the hang of putting the blog together in such a way that I like. If you will notice I changed the font.
DeleteYes we will talk later
I am not in a D/S relationship or really even a DD lifestyle. My husband will spank to let me know I've carried an attitude too long or gotten too mouthy. I have strong opinions and feel submissive when I can express them without yelling or being too bossy. I most often end up by deferring to his decision, at least on big,important topics. I love submitting to commands in the bedroom.
ReplyDeleteI missed your blogs and are so glad to see them again. You must have more trust than you think you have to submit to any kind of spanking now, even maintenance. I think it is really important that you move slowly and feel sure of each other. I hope that love eases the way.
Thanks Kate. Your relationship is where I want to see ours. For over twenty-five years, my husband has been a stand up guy. He has always been trustworthy. I see this situation as a one time thing, especially since it was so out of his personality. He is very sorry and I believe him. We are going to get to where we need to be again. I just can't turn my back on 25 + years
DeleteHey Blondie...to me, a DD relationship is loving and respectful...from both partners. As you know, I have been in two DD relationships and was not a doormat in either one...I had my opinion and gave it...respectfully. Personally, I don't care for the word submit...as that connotes someone taking power. I prefer to yield as that word connotes a choice to me. I am choosing to yield to his leadership. I think a lot of the problem with many couples is that even though we all use the same words, they are interpreted differently. I think you and Ty need to sit down and discuss how each of you view the definition of submissive.
ReplyDeleteHugs and Blessings...
Cat
What a great word, I like it. Yield. Hmmmmm Submission does have a lot of negative connotations and it doesn't really apply to DD. We are working at the talking..
DeleteJordan and I label our dynamic as DD. Although I want to be submissive I still tend to be sassy and resist spankings. I like to push to know Jordan will stand strong and not crumble. In the end I get the spanking anyways and Jordan tolerates some sass but he has a line he doesn't want crossed. I am still my own person I still let him know my opinion or when he upsets me and he respects that as long as Im respectful to him. Sorry you and Ty are struggling. Stay true to yourself no matter what!
ReplyDeleteSassy! That could possibly describe me. I cannot let someone tell me how to think or what to say. But I can use a little spanking when I get sassy. ;-)
DeleteHi Blondie,
ReplyDeleteI love thus question, especially since there us no wrong answer :-) To me, (and please note, this definition tend to change a bit as the years go by) being submissive to my husband means obeying him with a loving heart and a smile, even when I want to pout or question. It means putting his needs and our mutual goals above everything else. It means letting go of the small things, trusting him with not just my life, but all the details of my life. It means anticipating his needs and making sure that I manage our home the way he expects. It all boils down to trust and comprise, I guess. I am far from perfect, like really far, but I put in the effort to please him every day :-)
That seems to be the key to the success of marriage. Trust and compromise and also the need to make your spouse happy. I love to do things that Ty really appreciates. It feels good. And I am trusting him to be the head of the household. There just has to be respect going both ways
DeleteSubmission tome means that i give Him all of myself. I am attentive, open, honest and accept that He is the one who leads and decides.But i also have a voice, as long as it is a respectful one. I can always say, we need to talk about....and we do. Sometimes nothing changes, sometimes it does. Honestly i do not say that as often as i used to. I have a voice and am expected to use it. Yes, this is an over simplification, but it is what is at the core.
ReplyDeletehugs abby
That is almost exactly what I am looking for in our relationship. You said it perfectly
DeleteI have no answer to this question, unfortunately. I can't wait to see what others have to say. There have been times when I feel like DD has worked in our relationship and I back down and let Luke lead. But those times are always just fleeting days or weeks. Inevitably, it turns back to me being the one making the decisions and driving the relationship.
ReplyDeleteWhen I've felt that ability to let go of the reins, I've felt a trust in Luke that allows me to see him making good decisions for us. When that trust slides so does the feeling of submission. When I don't trust that decisions are thought through I can't possibly follow without questioning. I guess I feel like they earn our trust. If they are leading in a real a meaningful way, we can submit and trust. When they don't have the time or energy to think it through I don't think I should waste my energies either. Do you trust Ty to lead? Have you asked him how he could hear your side without feeling like your opposing him?
Each slide leaves a few more scars, for me. Can you see the scars from the past but still let go? I'm not sure I can anymore, but maybe you can find a way to let your wounds show your courage and strength.
I can understand where you are coming from. When Ty is not pulling his weight as the HoH, then I cannot submit to him. I lose my faith in him. This has been a really tough summer and I did lose faith in him. I just pulled the submission card and told him to get his act together. Even when we are busy, we need to make the time for one another. Our marriage should be more important all the other distractions. Don't give up. I will pray and pray for you. Finding one night, even if it is only an hour, to talk to each other and make the time for one another. Ty making that commitment and following through helped me during the times when we were just ships passing in the night. Thanks for leaving such a personal comment
DeleteBlondie,
ReplyDeleteI've thought about it a lot, and I guess submission means different things to everyone...including our husbands? It's definitely a conversation starter, we talked about this last night. I can relate to everything you wrote about. I'm pretty much...exactly the same way. I do feel like I'm submissive in many ways, but I do still struggle. I will always be vocal when it comes to my kids, and if I felt shut down or disrespected, I would never be quiet about that either. I guess for me, it was learning when to be vocal, and learning to do it in a respectful way, and not adding fuel the fire. I can be quick to anger, and I don't always see the big picture, sometimes a break away from each other and then coming back to discuss the issue has helped my temper..and my submission, but I need to feel like I have an opportunity to at least just be heard. It's okay if he doesn't agree, I really do my best to yield to him, but I do require the same level of respect that I give him..otherwise for me, this dynamic wouldn't work. I hope the talk you had was productive, it's a great thing to discuss! Hope everything is going well with you both. Hugs!!
We must be twins. This is what I am looking for. Good for you for being your own person but to also be able to yield and support your husband.
DeleteI am for years and years in a relationship with my wife and if I say I am the HOH (and I would never say that) she would laugh at me. And she would be right. Yet there is no doubt in my mind she is a real submissive. I believe in equity in a relationship. Why should the husband have more power then the woman just because he's stronger? For me that is just in books. My wife often openly disagrees with me, and I like that. Really Blondie, I like that in a woman. She is not my doormat, she is a human being with equal right to say what is on her mind as I have. And we can agree to disagree on any subject.
ReplyDeleteOf course there is "play time" and that is something else. But before that and after that, I wouldn't want it any other way. Anyone can force his will upon another person, male or female. It is the acceptance and the freely given power that makes the power exchange such a wonderful and deep experience.
You and Ty really need to talk. Because there are a lot of people out here that worry about you. Not saying we should all think the the same about submission. I do think we all think the same about respect.
Sorry to be blunt. My wife doesn't like it.
Take care of yourself and those who love you,
Han
Thank you so much for your kind (and blunt) words. Yes. Ty and I need to talk and we need to figure out what is going to work. He, too, has always appreciated my ability to stand strong and fight for what I believe in. There is a lot that needs to be talked about. I could say that I am very submissive sexually but I suck at submission everywhere else. And he has seen my claws come out. I really appreciate your friendship. Thanks
DeleteWe are not at all submissive. We each have our role to play; me looking after the house and garden, she the finances and cooking. One of my roles just happens to be spanking her bottom if and when she needs it.
ReplyDeleteWe had a marriage counselor who told us that we needed to define our roles, just like how you did. At the time, it didn't make sense. We were at a place in our relationship where there was no sight of any compromise, commitment or knowing what the heck we were even doing. Now, like you said that you are doing, the defined roles make sense. We each are responsible for certain things and he gets to spank me when needed. You are so right in what you said. I wonder how many people are truly living the dom/sub lifestyle 24/7
DeleteI like the idea of forgoing labels. The only one that applies is "This Thing That WE Do" because it allows for the variety and individuality that WE bring to this whole lifestyle. Not what you asked, I know =)
ReplyDeleteOnto what does submission mean to me. Truly, when I think of submission, I feel a calm subdued ease come over me. Submission for me is opening my heart to OUR common goal and releasing my self serving purpose. Serving HIM in return happens to be the best way for me to submit. It's not that I am a doormat, I just choose to be on his side. We are in this for the long haul, together.
Great question B!
Now that is a great relationship and I like the way you think. I feel peace and I feel safe when I know that Ty has it all under control. It is a good feeling. But for him to do this, I need to trust him and be able to back him up. With me, I am good about following his lead as long as he listens to my side.
DeleteAlright I'll answer the question in part here. " What does submission MEAN to me? " Inner Peace. Freedom . As I said to you the other night. Submission in my core. Does that make me a natural submissive to the world at large? HELL NO! Barney has the power and only he does to open up my submission ~ aside from myself that is. His dominance keeps me a place where I feel secure enough to allow my submissive being to show. BUT if he hurts my feelings, the curtains draw around my core and NO light is allowed in or out.
ReplyDeleteSubmission to me is a noun. A place *I* want to be. A feeling *I* love to have. It is selfish, in our relationship. Barney didn't ask it of me. I wanted to let it out. I WANTED more ways to make him happy. Because making him happy makes me happiest. And no I am not a simpleton that has nothing going on in her life! LOL...
To me submission is NOT quiet, or subservient, heck it isn't even deferring or yielding. We don't have that kind of relationship. My opinion is just as valid as his, and if there comes a time where there is a SERIOUS major decision to be made he will have to convince me of his mindset if he wants my okay. ( I completely understand how others live differently and I am not judging....everyone's submission looks different). I will NOT go down without a fight! LOL. and perhaps a sore bum if I don't choose my words carefully.
As I told you we met someone this summer who helped Barney see how a feisty, spunky woman was not 'trouble' or different...but rather a woman who's submission means that much more. A woman who struggles to show it at times yet tries so hard is a wonderful thing. " There is no mastery in dominating a puppet" after all.
I am rarely disobedient or do dangerous things ( yes, yes...toot toot and all that jazz) but I can grow distant and be disrespectful when those curtains have been drawn around my core/heart. When I feel hurt. I too lash out whether it is with an uncharacteristic curt response, or silence. I didn't like it when Barney would say, " but you aren't like these other women..." ( like HE knows!). The thing is the struggle with submission, and then ultimately submitting IS submission! And the type of submission that costs the mosts, yet makes us feel the greatest after.
Talk to him. Let him read our responses. Inform him you are unique in so many ways~ just not this one!
Love willie
Thanks Willie. Barney is a good man and he seems to be able to somewhat live with your spunkiness and your silence. For as long as I have known, I have seen you grow and the two of you grow the relationship. I think that distancing should be the 5th D. Thank you for openly sharing on my blog post. We'll talk soon. hugs
DeleteNicely handled, Blondie, good post. I'm on the erotic side of things, much more sensation than domination, although I'm sure some of the power-exchange psychology is involved. Submission is a deliberate act of will, and implies that he to whom you submit is trusted, understands what's going on, and knows how to lovingly wield such a gift, and is not a clod and a bully. I've heard it said that "a good top knows that the bottom is really in charge of a scene."
ReplyDeleteYes, I prefer the erotic side of things and the power exchange in the bedroom. The bottom does have all of the say in the best of situations. That is the balance that works in the bedroom but not outside of the bedroom
DeleteBlondie, unfortunately this is why we don't practice ttwd right now. I want it, I do.. but I wasn't listened to at the time and it crushed me. It was absolutely crushing to think that I had given hi all this power and he wasn't even taking a minute to listen to me. It was the worst possible feeling. I want it back, but we will see. He has a bad habit to kick before we can try it again, but you sound A LOT like me!! I don't submit easily, but I want to. I try to follow the 'rules' and I'm generally not a dangerous person.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Elle
*given him
DeleteI took that submission card away before when I felt that he wasn't listening. If we can't keep our ends of the deal then it's not working right. That causes a lot of resentment. I am only dangerous when you mess with my kids......
DeleteThis is only my personal take, but to me "submission" in DD is one half of the "Dom/sub" interaction that occurs naturally between the person in authority and the person who submits to that authority in a relationship. Consensual adult discipline of one person by another, including spanking, is a particularly tangible and tactile instance of this Dom/sub interaction. The extent to which it occurs is unique to teach relationship and cannot be universally quantified or measured by that of any other relationship. I consider this interaction to be an "exchange" of give and take between two individuals rather than a "gift" by one to the other.
ReplyDeleteThere is no clear dividing line between this and eroticism within the setting of an intimate loving relationship because, even after a *genuine* and serious punishment, there may well be a huge rush of emotion and loving connection and consciousness of 'roles' that translates itself into an urge to make love. So in many ways, what people try to package neatly into categories like "BDSM", "D/s" and "D/D" is really a non quantifiable mix of them all.
"Being submissive" in the sense that it tends to be thought of in DD and D/s circles always strikes me as something different from merely "submitting". It doesn't only involve obedience and compliance, but a greater degree of recognised 'power exchange', which isn't necessarily related to a set of 'rules'. In fact, I think too many irrelevant and unnecessary rules, regulations, restrictions and orders can sometimes distract from 'natural' submission and a wish to please because what would otherwise be voluntary acts of submission then become lost in the cloak of "requirement".
I'm not sure that any level of power exchange automatically eliminates the need or wish for 'equal' negotiation, respect for the other person's opinion and input from every situation. On the contrary, it still seems to be a feature even in many Total Power Exchange relationships that certain things will be decided where possible on an equal basis. What perhaps varies according to the degree of power exchange is the point at which the HoH/Dom calls "final decision" and the extent to which both the Dom and the sub feel it is *important* to secure her agreement.
In most cases that I know of fairness and the ability to listen as well as direct are also a big factor in D/s. Most 'good' Doms/HoHs won't punish unless they are certain there is cause. Since they want the sub/tih to learn from it, they will also ensure as far as possible that she understands and accepts the reason.
I also don't think that the extent to which a person is a submissive can be measured by natural human reaction. I have lost count of the times I have read something to the effect of "I can't be a natural submissive because I often struggle to obey". However, being submissive doesn't mean that you stop being human and miraculously stop having the urge to do what *you* want to do in preference to what someone else wants. According to HoH and Dom friends, it's not the struggle that defines a submissive, but whether the obedience wins out. As submissive as you are, there will also still be times when the urge wins over the compliance.