Sometimes You Have to Pretend that Everything is Okay

My name is  ___________, and I suffer from depression. Well, I wrote it down, but I am still contemplating if this is a post that I will actually publish. I cannot say this out loud, if I do then I have to admit that I really do have a problem/illness that may never go away. And that really sucks!
This is something that I have to explain to my children. And this is something that will never go away. I cannot go on pretending that everything is good and that this is normal and all families are like us.
Growing up with an alcoholic father and a very dysfunctional family, I always thought that we were normal. But we weren't a healthy family. We had secrets and we were taught to keep quiet and not share our personal life. Keep a smile on your face and don't let anyone see through the wall that we put up. It's interesting to see how my siblings and I all grew up and what battles we had to fight. I walked away from my family, for the most part. I couldn't deal with all of the drama and denial. I wanted out, I wanted a "normal" life. And in doing so, I feel that I have really become the black sheep or the scape goat with my parents and siblings.
But, life was good there for awhile. College, marriage, kids, and happiness, that was what I wanted and so I tried hard to be that kind of person and family. It has always seemed strange to me that I didn't have any post-partum depression until my fourth child. With the first three, things were great. These little ones were just so fun and loving. So, why did things change? I have no idea. But by the fourth child, the deep sadness began. I fought it for eight months. I did everything I could to look like things were fine. I was afraid of losing my children. I was afraid of asking for help. Fortunately, Ty reached out to my doctor and I was given some medicine to help with the depression. Which it did help some, but there was still a dark cloud following behind me.
I was still on the medication when number five came along. I can't really say if my depression would have been worse or not. But I finally realized that I couldn't deal with any more responsibility.
There has been so many ups and downs the last fifteen years. I have had some really good times but I have also had some really low times. As much as Ty and I have tried to shield the children from my really low times, they weren't fooled. We have been honest with them since and hopefully they will know that if they have any mental issues, that it is okay to ask for help and take medicine. Usually my low times are when my medicine isn't working the way it should anymore or the new medicine isn't a good match. I am very fortunate that I have not been suicidal. I just cry and sleep. I also try to exercise and eat right.  So far, I have been strong enough and stubborn enough that I can recognize that I am needing help and that I need to go forward. My kids need their mom no matter if I have depression or not.
And that's what has brought me to today................................
Can I just say that the last ten days have been horrible. The new medicine that I started made things worse than ever. Last Monday, I went hysterical and screamed at my oldest son, throwing his clothes out of his bedroom and telling him to get out of my house. It all stemmed from a slight disagreement to TJ getting defensive and sarcastic to me just spiraling out of control. All four of my boys were witness to this. I continued for the next couple of days riding on an emotional roller coaster.
Thanksgiving, well it wasn't good. I am really glad that we decided to not go and celebrate Turkey day with my family and that we all just stayed home. The medicine was really playing havoc on my body. My body was twitching, my hands were shaking and I couldn't focus. We ended up not eating dinner till eight o'clock, pumpkin pie was burned, we ran out of stuffing and we were all walking on egg shells. (My table looked beautiful, I brought out the elegant table cloth, extended our table, used my china and used cloth napkins).
I stopped taking that medicine that night. No, I haven't spoken to my doctor yet. I will call on Monday. Promise.
Today, Ty and I had a long heart to heart, come to Jesus talk. He told me that I just need to accept that I suffer (and fight) from depression. My oldest son, who I screamed at , has known for awhile and is luckily studying psychology in school. He forgave me before I even asked for forgiveness. Very mature young adult my son is. One of the main reasons we started DD is because of my fight with depression. He has been able to help me stay on track, to do the little things like cooking dinner or making my bed. I want to be a reliable adult and to do my share of being a parent and a spouse. Fortunately, Ty is the energizer bunny and is always going on full speed. He picks up and finishes what I have not completed.

Ty found this very powerful message. He asked me if this is how I feel and live daily. Talk about making me speechless and feeling like someone else knows how I am feeling. Wow. I want to share this with you and I hope that whether this describes you, a loved one, a friend or a co-worker, that you will take this to heart and maybe have a better understanding of depression. There are some days that the most that I can do is to get the kids to school. And there are days when I am able to do more than my share.
I battle this illness daily. I am fortunate to have my faith, a loving and caring husband and children and friends that accept me. I am so pleased when I am really laughing and enjoying life.

Depression:

Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into

zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects

the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to

your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune.
 It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days
and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that
finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed.
You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially,
 you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate
squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the
garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no
capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no
emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty
and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human,
which exacerbates the depression and the isolation.
Depression is humiliating.
If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off
the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery
store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of
depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world.
It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have
been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you
or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too.
Depression is humiliating.
No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families.
You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to
work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to
return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand,
when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself.
Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary.
Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately
to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion
for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart.
Judge not lest ye be judged.”

— Pearl (via psych-facts)
(via iamlucyspet)