I was going to write a blog post on Missy's birthday but I couldn't. It wasn't that I didn't have the time it was the fact that there has been so much going on with her that I feel overwhelmed thinking about her. My beautiful, wonderful, and loving daughter is needing help that I cannot give her. I have given her all that I could the last 8-9 years. It seems like sometimes she is doing well and then something tips the scales and our whole world is disrupted. It's not just me that this effects, it's the whole family. And her brothers are beginning to resent her for all of the drama. Fortunately, God does answer prayers. I wanted a place for her to go where she could get some help. The last year has just been too much and she needs help that we can't offer. I prayed and prayed for help and guidance and this opportunity fell into our laps.
A place that she can live. A place that is filled with God's love. All of the counselors are wonderful. The girls that are there don't have to share why they are there, their stories are their own. (Which means that Missy can't compete to have the "best" traumatic path that brought her there). The place offers a dietician and a physical ed instructor. This is all good because the girls all have different needs and reasons for being there. Like you don't want a girl that has an eating disorder not eating what is healthy or another girls just eating junk food. Same with their exercise routine, everything is customized. They also learn other life skills while they are there. They study the Bible and are filled with the love of God. And besides from the psychiatric help, there are counselors with them 24/7. The success stories are incredible. There are only four homes like this in the country. 
And best of all, she wants to go and get the help she needs. We also just got matching tattoos yesterday. It was her idea and we both fell in love with the tattoo we chose. The semi-colon is a symbol that has to do with mental illness, which we both suffer from. It means that "my story isn't over yet". For those of you who don't know, I fight depression and I am usually the winner each and everyday. But there were times when I was getting my butt kicked. And these last six months have really tested my ability to keep my depression at bay. And then Missy has all of her mental issues, I am not exactly sure what they all are or if one feeds off of another. I don't know. So, the tattoo is the semi-colon with butterfly wings.
We got the tattoos on the inside of the ankle. For me, that is really cool because I have my adoption symbol on the other side of the ankle. The adoption symbol represents the three sides of those in the adoption; the birth mother, the mother, and the adoptee, intertwined with one heart. So my left ankle is my mother/daughter ankle. I always feel bad that I am speaking poorly of Missy. But I think that you all know how much I love her and how much she means to me without having to explain myself. I am, in fact, a very lucky mom to have her as my daughter.
How lucky for for Missy to have you for a mom...how lucky for you to have Missy for a daughter. What a blessing to have found a wonderful place for her to heal herself....I will keep her...and you...in my prayers. You are both strong and wonderful...
ReplyDeletehugs abby
Thank you so much. We need all the prayers we can get. This place with deal with all of her addictions and other mental issues she has. She is doing okay right now, here at home. One day at a time.
DeleteBlondie my thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter. Its fantastic she has a place to turn to for the help needed. Depression is such a struggle, I hope you both find the happiness you deserve.
ReplyDeleteHugs Lindy
Thank you so much. I wish depression was her issue but hers are pretty bad. She needs a lot of help that I cannot provide. Some of this makes her depressed because, I am sure, it is frustrating. I could, probably help her if it was depression. So please, please keep praying. And I am sure that this will work (it has to)
DeleteHi Blondie, i am so sorry to hear of your daughter's struggles. I hope she feels brighter soon. Thinking about you all
ReplyDeletelove Jan, xx
Thanks Jan. It won't be an easy time for her but I know, deep down, that this will work. She will get the help and the tools to live a happy and productive life. I am so happy that she has such a deep amount of faith. Thanks for your positive words.
DeleteHi Blondie, I'm so sorry to hear of your daughter's struggle and am so glad she has found the help she needs. I hope she is feeling much better soon. Your love for her shines through.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
Thanks Roz. Yes, I love my daughter more than she will ever know. I would trade places with her in a heart beat if I could. But she has my inner strength and her dad's determination, I just have to believe this is the answer.
DeleteI'm sorry you've been struggling. Keeping depression at bay is a constant battle and it feels like it never ends. I hope your daughter finds the peace she needs and I'm sure you will continue to love and support her as finds her way in life. My thoughts remain with you.
ReplyDeletehugs
DF
Thank you for the prayers. It is a very difficult battle to fight off the depression when I see what is going on with her and how her actions have hurt others. I want to protect her and keep those that judge away from her. Momma Bear is in battle mode. Lol This is going to work.... I am sure this is God's will
DeleteIt sounds to me like you are doing what mom's have been trying to do since the beginning of time - your very best. And it seems to be working because it sounds like Missy, by being willing to accept this help is doing her best too. I look forward to happier times for both of you.
ReplyDeleteThanks PK. I will keep doing my best until my last breath. She has such a beautiful soul and she is so full of love. But she keeps messing up. We are going to do our best.
DeleteI'm so glad that Missy is getting the help she needs. I'm sure you are a shining example to her that help is available and with love and toughness anything can be handled. Can't wait to read how well she is doing at this facility.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I really appreciate your support. I truly believe that this is the right choice.
DeleteA loving and touchingly-expressed post, Blondie. I know something of that kind of heartbreak, and I'm delighted to hear that Missy wants the help and is at a place that can properly offer it. The mother-daughter bonding tattoos made me smile! She is one of teh most fortunate young women on the planet to have you as her mother!
ReplyDeleteThank you. Your words are very kind. I hope that your tough times are better. I think I am the lucky one to have her as my daughter.
DeleteI am so happy to hear the hope in this post. I hesitated to tell people what Heir to the Throne was struggling with here, especially people who didn't know him. I am crazy about the kid and I too wished he could just see himself as others see him, he'd never doubt himself again. Sadly as we all know, even as adults that is difficult to achieve yet alone someone in their late teens.
ReplyDeleteI will say that many of his struggles are a result of many similar things I have experienced in my own life. Much like you feel that M and you share that, I do with him. There is a blessing and a curse to that of course. The curse being the feeling of guilt that somehow your genetics have contributed to their struggles. The blessing being, you have first hand experience in some regard to understanding where they are coming from. A chance to find words of encouragement and hope because you have struggled and are still kicking too! It can be done.
I pray that she takes these opportunities presented to her and flourishes. It isn't going to be easy. Most likely there will be lots of stumbling, but that is to be expected. Each time she gets back up it will hopefully be for longer and longer before she trips. I have learned to not only except but embrace those (now) smaller trips because I know he isn't fooling me. He is trying, but he is human.
Much love always my friend
willie xx
PS. I am not a tattoo person, but I think your butterfly is absolutely beautiful!
Yes,I know you understand and I really appreciate your support. She is such a wonderful person. And she is just as stubborn as I am. We will persevere!
DeleteBlondie, I wish I could reach through this screen and just hug you. Thank you for being so brave to share about both your daughter's struggles and your own. I'm thrilled to hear that you've found a place for her to go and heal and grow. That sounds amazing! And hopefully knowing that she's being well cared for will help you deal with your own struggles.
ReplyDeleteOver the past year-ish we've been dealing with our daughter's medical struggles as well, both physical and mental. It has at times been completely overwhelming. And I've often felt completely inadequate. I don't suffer from depression or anxiety myself, but it has at times felt like more than I can handle. So, I don't know how you've been able to manage when you've been struggling yourself. I don't know how many times I've cried out to God on my daughter's behalf. We're still searching for answers. She has an appt this week actually that I'm really hoping will be fruitful. This all came out of nowhere and is so confusing and hard to navigate. That said, she is doing so much better now than she was, and I'm so thankful for that.
I will lift you and your daughter up as well as your whole family in prayer.
Oh, and I almost forgot to say, I love the tattoos! :)
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
I wish that I could hug you back. I am sorry that you are going through something like this. It is such a horrible feeling to not be able to fix things for her. My daughter is dealing with addictions, and some other mental stuff. There are times I am on my knees crying and begging for help. My faith is tested.
DeleteI can't even tell anyone how much my blog friends mean to me. I can be totally honest with what is going on in my life and and in return I am given unconditional support. Nobody judges me here. This is my safe haven. You are one of my friends who I count on and really appreciate.
I am so sorry to hear of your daughter's struggles. You are all in my thoughts. Love the tattoo.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Ronnie
xx
Thanks Ronnie, please keep those good thought coming. It is such a small and simple tattoo that has such a powerful meaning. And she wanted to get matching tattoos, which is a very different place then where we were last year
Deleteso glad she has found the help she needs...your love of your daughter shines through. Hugs
ReplyDeleteThanks. I do love her and I really feel fortunate to have her as my daughter. This will get better
DeleteHi Blondie, :) You have been in my thoughts a great deal lately! I am so glad to hear that you have found a solution to getting your daughter the help that she needs. It is such a difficult thing to watch our kids, that we love dearly, go through anxiety and depression. It is more difficult to sometimes come to the place where you realize that sometimes love means having to say that they cannot come home- but here is a great alternative to help you grow. You miss them terribly but at the same time there is relief all around. I know that feeling very well.
ReplyDeleteI hope that your daughter not only gets the help that she needs there, but that she finds peace. With all of that, in so many ways, so will you. As parents we always worry about our kids- but I think that we also learn to tame that worry a bit. Certainly our loving spouses/partners help us with some of that too. I remember a couple of years ago when our younger son had his crisis, and was at the point where he was ready to receive help. When he went to the place where he got help, the first thing he said to me after spending a few hours there, and we had come to see his room, etc., was that he was so happy to know that there were other people there just like him. He also said that it was such a relief to not feel so out of control. He is living on his own now, doing well and has made great strides. He still has things to accomplish- one step at a time. All good. It sounds like a wonderful program that you have there for your daughter, and I wish her well in every way! I wish you well, and your family too, as you go through all of this.
I love your tattoos that you got with your daughter! Very special thing to do together. In your words and in your actions that you write about, you can see the love that you have for your daughter, through good times and hard times. You are a very special mom. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Stay strong and know that I am thinking of you. We are all here for you as you need us. Lots of hugs and love too,
<3 Katie
I am so sorry that you and your precious daughter are afflicted with such illnesses, Blondie. How wonderful that you have found a place that will give your daughter the help she needs and she is willing to go...that is a huge first step. BTW...you did not speak poorly of Missy in this post...you simply stated that she is ill. The frustrating thing with many illnesses that are not visibly physical is that many people either can not or will not understand. As I told my youngest DIL today...physical injuries such as a broken bone heal quicker than emotional injuries and illnesses and people give a lot more understanding. Sending lots of prayers and healing energy for you, Missy and the rest of your family through this trying time.
ReplyDeleteHugs and blessings...Cat