Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Heartache
I am writing this post and crying at the same time. My sadness is so overwhelming. Last Wednesday, my daughter moved in with her boyfriend and his family. And they are now the ones who get to spend the last week (less now) with her. They are the ones who are helping her pack and enjoying her company. Because I am the mom, I am still doing all the important things like taking care of the medical stuff, finances, money exchange, phone service, etc. And I have to do this because, no matter what, I am the mom and she doesn't have a clue about what she doesn't know. Her reason for moving out, because it is less stressful there. Well sure, that's because she is staying there as a guest, and we are here doing all the hard stuff. Ty doesn't always understand. He, at times, think that I am being selfish for wanting her to be with me. Most of the time, his heart is breaking too. Her words before she left were so mean. This is no longer her trying to distance herself from us, to ready herself for her trip. This is her leaving. She told us that she doesn't plan on returning to live with us even after school is over. I feel like I have gotten punched in the stomach. The pain is so intense that at times I find it hard to breathe. I am trying to continue with all the things that I still have to do, life does go on. I have my first math test, of the semester tomorrow, we just returned from Family Camp (which she was supposed to attend and didn't), the boys have all their activities, dinner and laundry still need to be done. But the pain isn't going away. All those little things that I wanted to do with her before she left, get her hair cut, get pedicures together, make sure she has all her toiletries and undergarments, ya know, all those little things that you do with your daughter. I can't sleep, I can't eat. The boys are mad at her now, they hate the boyfriend and can't understand why she would leave us. The strangest thing though, I told my mom everything and she just held me and offered her support. There was no jading or anything like that. She understood my heart break. God it hurts.
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Wish I had helpful words. I'm a mom too. I hear your pain. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI have tears in my eyes reading this.....i am so very sorry. There are no words that I can think of to make this better....but HUGS.....
ReplyDeletehugs abby
Blondie- I am so so sorry that this transition is going so crappy for you (all). Your heart travels with her no matter how fast she runs. I am truly going to send you a prayer tonight. I understand the "can't breath" part too damn well and I hope this slowly gets better. Good luck on your test too. Love to you my friend.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Blondie. I wish I had words that would make you feel better but unfortunately, I don't and I don't think there are any that would help.
ReplyDeleteLet me just say that someday, maybe not in the very near future, but at some point, she will understand and regret her words. Until then, do what you are doing, being her mom.
I know you forgive her but at some point you have to tell her that words hurt and she hurt you and Ty and her brothers by her words.
Blondie- I am so so sorry that this transition is going so crappy for you (all). Your heart travels with her no matter how fast she runs. I am truly going to send you a prayer tonight. I understand the "can't breath" part too damn well and I hope this slowly gets better. Good luck on your test too. Love to you my friend.
ReplyDeleteGosh Blondie, I understand this more than you know. Sigh. I do think she will regret the way she is leaving--however it's easier for her to leave you angry then being sad.
ReplyDeleteOh G*d Blondie I am so, so sorry. You and I have often shared stories about our kids, and our dreams, and disappointments. I wished I too had something to say that could ease your pain at least a little bit. Please know I am here if you need to talk, or have someone listen. I know it isn't much, but I can understand some of what you are talking about.
ReplyDeleteYou are never far from my thoughts
All my love
willie
I'm so sorry. Nothing is going to make this hurt go away right now - but I'm convinced it will go away because she doesn't know what she's talking about. She thinks she does, and she does mean it at this time, but she'll realize she's wrong and as a good mother when it happens you won't be saying 'I told you so' you'll be saying welcome home, we missed you. Let her have this chaotic time. Be friendly and pleasant when you talk. Tell her you hope she's happy there and to call whenever she likes. She's not be expecting that. Don't you call her too much, just a few friendly emails or texts to let her know you're thinking of her. Honest I believe if you don't chase, she'll come back even quicker - she may never live there again, but you'll be close again. I hate that you are hurting so much now, but truly I bet things will be better than you imagine.
ReplyDeleteOh Blondie, I'm so sorry. :( (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Blondie. Sending you huge ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteRoz
Oh Blondie, I am so sorry to hear this. I agree with PK. If you are nice about it ,it will take the wind out of her sails. I also think that when she is away from him in England things may change. We all know how hard it is to carry on a long distance relationship, add in the fun of England and uni. He will be a distant memory if you don't keep disapproving. Keep quiet about him, there is nothing more determined to stay together than kids whose parents disapprove. Once she is away talk about other stuff. I am so sad for you that this has happened. As to her not returning home, there is a long while to go till the end of uni so don't panic
ReplyDeletemuch love Jan,xx
I am sorry for you. When she is older and wiser, she will see how wrong she is. I hope that won't withold her from returning to you.
ReplyDeleteappy
Oh Blondie I am so sorry to hear this.
ReplyDeleteLove and hugs,
Ronnie
xx
Ugh. I'm so sorry. Honestly, I was the same kid-- I couldn't wait to leave my mom's house and I never looked back. Of course now my mom is dead and gone and I have so many regrets. I don't know what the urge is --certainly I had a wonderful home with a loving family. I think it's just the need to spread wings. I know the time will come when my kids are way over living with me too, and I will know your heartache. It will probably be all the worse knowing I did the same thing to my mom.
ReplyDeleteYou're a wonderful, loving mother. Do not assume any of this is about you-- it's just her need to flex her independence. Sending you cyberhugs.
(((HUGS)))).
oh Blondie, this is turning out to be so much tougher for you. I'm sorry she's loss sight of your feelings. Let her flap her wings and step back, chasing after her will not win her over. When I lived abroad as a student, my mum wrote to me every week (no internet back then). I'm sure she missed me, but she wrote about every day news, sent her love and signed off. my advice let her go, and gently remind her of home life, that when things go wrong or get hard, you're waiting to help. maybe time away from BF might make her see things in a different light.
ReplyDeletehugs D F
Oh, Blondie, I am so sorry to hear you are hurting so. Sending you lots of hugs and if you need a shoulder to cry on or anything...please let me know... Thinking of you
ReplyDeleteI don't think you are being selfish or wanting to hold her back in having an independent life, because this is clearly not about the leaving itself, but about the 'how'.
ReplyDeleteLike many other posters here, I am also inclined to think that, even if it takes a while, she will eventually realise what she has given up and she will be back. If not physically, then at least emotionally. That's what generally happens with people you love and who love you.
What comes to mind is that, at her age, a boyfriend is quite likely a temporary thing anyway, whereas a loving parent is always a loving parent who never goes away.
Blondie, For what it's worth, I'm sending you a giant hug too. Time will work this out but it is hard as hell to wait. Keep writing. Keep loving. Keep yourself busy and moving forward. Amy
ReplyDeleteBlondie, I know what you are going through and feel really sorry for you although this doesn't make it easier for you. I also went through similar situations with my daughters who said mean things and went to live with their boyfriends. Fortunately they grow up in the end particularly once they have their own family and realise mum was not a bad person after all. Hang in there it is a stage they seem to go through as they reach adulthood. No matter what you do or say it won't change her mind. One thing though always tell her you love her no matter what she does to you. Sending gentle (((HUGS)))) your way.
ReplyDeleteLindy x
I am so sorry that you are so sad. Daughters are sometimes very unthinking and nigh unmanageable creatures. I don't know why it is, but it is a fact. I wish you weren't having to go through all this pain and angst. All I can say, and this is from deep and gritty experience with our own daughter, that this is just a painful ripple in the river of life, and that she will most definitely change her ideas and opinions as time goes by and she matures. I realise it's not much help for you to know this, but when I look back at all the trials and tribulations we went through, I wish I had had someone to tell me that it would one day be not only alright, but much better than I could've hoped. So hang in there, girl, and try to smile though it all. Mothers are amazing people. One day she will understand just how amazing. I'm sending you many hugs and positive thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAmi
Oh Blondie, I am so sorry! We are dealing with lice here before my daughter takes off Sunday morning but nothing like you are experiencing. My heart breaks with you. Hopefully while she's gone God will grab hold of her and she will see differently. I will pray for you all.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Alison
Awww Blondie...I am so sorry to read this. I agree with some of the others above that your daughter's behavior and attitude will change, hopefully in the not too distant future and hopefully, she will also apologize. I know it may not be soon and it that your pain is indescribable. Sending lot of prayers that she pulls her head out of her tush and realizes that her family is much more important than anything. Also sending prayers and healing energy for you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.
ReplyDeleteHugs and blessings...Cat
Blondie,
ReplyDeletesending you a big virtual hug, which in my opinion is sometimes the only thing that can be done in situations.
~~Hug~~
Julia
My heart just sank and hurt for you both. And sinking and hurting is bad! And I know that's what you are going through and I sure don't have all of the answers but I wish I did. When children are born I think God gives us a new heart. One that can feel love deeper than we have ever felt it, and also can feel hurt deeper and more intensely than we have ever felt it. This heart is also resilient. It's the kind of heart that can be crushed and stepped on, again and again and yet still love and accept and forgive over and over. This is a mama's heart. An extraordinary machine built to last until its last tick and tock. Timeless, without limits, beating for the children of its body host, leaping with joy at their accomplishments, pride at their success, and so happy in their affection for us. But it also bleeds at their indifference, aches at unappreciative, grieves when they just don't understand our heart for them, our love, our alignment with their
ReplyDelete(Sorry blogger was having a spasm of hatred for all mankind so I had to just publish it!)
ReplyDeleteChildren don't always recognize that we are in their corner, loving every unruly hair on the heads and even understanding, relating to their selfishness, confusion, unpredictable actions, because we were once just like them in many ways. So keep your head up and let your heart just beat, let it feel the pain and let your wounds draw you closer to your husband and your marriage, and let yourself believe, once more, that the wild child will return with love in her eyes and in her heart as she looks at you and sees you for the truth that you are, the role that you play, and the heart that beats only for her good. I know it's simple but keep reminding yourself that this season will pass, life is not stagnant, she will change and life will go on twisting and turning. Forgiveness and understanding will flow through your relationship even if it takes time to help hearts heal. I promise. Much love to you in that journey...
ReplyDelete