Needing A Spark

I just finished reading Mick's post and by the time I was done, I was about to cry.

Oh and by the way, please don't take offense by what I say about myself because right now this is how I feel about me and this is kind of one of those rambling, have to get it off your chest, kind of posts.

I read his post and thought to myself, what is wrong with me? What happened to me? Why am I unable to function like other people? And of course this all makes me sad and I even have a harder time getting motivated.

Up until about 12 years ago, I was a spit fire, there was no holding me back. I worked with my husband in our business, doing all the bookkeeping, I had three children, pregnant again. I was part of this city commission, part of the parent co-op Nursery School, Elder at our church, President of Mother's club and team mom for my son's soccer team. My house was okay, not the Ritz Carlton but we lived there in our tiny little house and the kids played all day. By night, in my exhaustion, I would do my best to clean up and in the morning I would start all over again.

I was a hard and dedicated mother and worker. My husband was always there, helping clean the house, feed the kids, get them to bed, coach a team or watch the kids while I was at a meeting. He was the person behind the scenes who was always the steady.

I have always been strong, independent, opinionated and feisty. Everything I did, I put my all into. I loved the challenge, the excitement, the adrenaline rush. My husband was the rock who I took for granted. I was in charge of the calendar and the scheduling and he did what needed to be done. And believe me, there were a lot of fast food dinners, cereal and macaroni and cheese.

And then I had my fourth child and hit rock bottom. Post partum depression hit me like a ton of bricks. I was miserable, crying all the time for no reason, struggling to get up and going and just too overwhelmed for anything.

I quit everything. Even in a small way, I quit my family. And who picked up the pieces, yep my husband. I would help my kids do their homework while I was in bed, I would read them stories, I would get them to school and then go home and climb back into bed. Finally, my husband and doctor said, no more, you need some medication.

The medication helped with the blues.. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and have been on medication since.  But I have lost all my spark. There were some real bad times when I wasn't on the right medication or suffering withdrawls. There were even times that my husband worried that he might end up a widow with five children.

And the fights we had. OMG. No we didn't fight every day for ten years. But we slowly fell into a pattern of avoidance just putting up with one another. We bickered about everything, he was constantly belittling me andwas mad that I wasn't doing my share of the work.

So much has happened in the last five years. Most of it too private for me to ever speak about. But we started going to marriage counseling and family counseling. Plus I had found a good psychiatrist and I was on the right meds and dealing better with life. But I still had no fire and I was overwhelmed with such little things as a sink full of dishes. Marriage counseling opened up a whole lot of wounds. Sometimes we wouldn't talk for days after the appointment because of all of the hurt we felt. My husband was angry, angry at me for not being who I use to be. And I was just overwhelmed at mad at him for how things ended up. I blamed him and he blamed me. And the more we fought, the worse I was emotionally.

Three years of marriage counseling, 21 years of marriage and 5 kids - we were at a standstill. Divorce was not an option for us. It is not something we will ever do. We made a promise to God and to our children that we would not end our marriage. What was left, was a marriage by name only.At least we still loved each other.

We quit marriage counseling and started dd. It was like a miracle. The biggest factors that changed were
1. He had the final say. He felt like a man and the head of the house. But now he also listened to me. We talked to each other, being respectful. What a change that was! And in the end, I knew that the decision he made was one that he had considered and had decided what was best for me and for our family.
2, A simple schedule was made for me. And because I wanted to please him, I followed that schedule and I was happy with myself. It was kind of like working at a job because I could cross out the things on my list that I had done. And whether the kitchen, or wherever got messed up before Ty got home, I knew that I had done a really good job and that was what mattered.

We found our roles. But this is kind of the weird part, the punishment isn't my motivation. Our marriage and my love for Ty is my motivation and what makes me want to do things well.

Spankings around here have a few purposes.

1. It is used as a reset button. Sometimes I start spiraling and can't focus or get my act together. Or I get all stressed out and start being sarcastic and snarky. The spanking helps to remind me that he is with me, on my side and is going to take care of me. It reaffirms our relationship. And it just changes my mood.
2. When I have messed up, like when I missed my daughter's doctor's appointment. I feel terrible. I know that we now have to pay the missed appointment fee, and reschedule the appointment and it was my job to keep track of the schedule. So Ty spanks me. He forgives me and allows me to forgive myself and not feel guilty any more.

3, 4, 5, and six...... Well spankings can be fun, erotic, paddles testing, a threat when I am being sassy. But number one and two is what has changed our lives the most.

Okay, so you are probably wondering where I am going with all of this. The problem is, I can't find the energy, desire or motivation to go and do. Laundry is piling up, there are dishes in the sink and it is the day I do the deep cleaning in the kitchen, I am soooo tired and I have to force myself to take a stupid shower. I am blah. Not depressed, but no energy. And I am just feeling miserable about myself that I cannot get my act together.

A few years back my doctor had prescribed me Ritalin. It was a magic pill that helped me get out of bed and work hard. But my new doctor won't prescribe it to me - I have no idea why. I have had all kinds of blood work done and apparently, I am pretty healthy. I try to take walks but not on days like this. And I have been eating much healthier. I just want to sleep.

Poor Ty. He works hard at his job and runs two side businesses on the side. He helps with the kids and even the housework. And he takes care of me. I feel like a burden and I know he is disappointed when I get this way. He is a good man and doesn't deserve this. He deserves a partner that is full of life and works hard.

No pity party for me. I believe that God has a plan and He will help me get the help I need. And life is so much better than it was two years ago.

Thanks for reading my venting.