Not So Good

It all started with my husband kissing and caressing and loving on me. I wasn't feeling it. My head was killing me and I was really stressed out. I appreciate all the soft touches and kind words but I didn't have anything to give back




I love him enough to not turn him down for sex. It may not be the most rowdy or playful sex we have. Yet I didn't say no.



But that wasn't enough for him now. He felt unapprecitated and wanted more participation from me. He didn't hear me when I told him I didn't feel good and had a head ache. He heard me say no.





And pretty soon the discussion was more like this.




And then I was told that I had hurt his feelings. He told me he was going to go get some work done, cause work always makes him feel good about himself. And he left.









And for the first time in over three years, I burst into tears. I have not cried in so long. And this time I cried, deep, deep weaping and tears. My enitre body shook with sobs. My husband continued to be busy the rest of the day. Not noticing that I was upset. Not stopping to look at me when I was laying on the bed, trying not to cry. He came into the room, took a shower and left without even saying a word to me.
Finally, I told him that I was upset. I told him that I had cried. He couldn't understand why I was so upset. He felt like I was over reacting. He was pleased that I had finally let my walls down enough to actually cry. But he didn't understand why I was crying. He told me to write him a letter. He feels that I am better at explainging when writing them when trying to talk. And last night, for the first time in at least six months, he fell asleep with matters still unsettled. I have attempted to write him a letter three or four times. But I don't know how to explain how I feel.
I feel so many things. Stupid for allowing my walls to crumble down enough to be hurt again. Naive for trusting that he was going to try and get to know me enough that when I am obviously upset, that he could tell and would care. I feel like this whole DD has been a farce. That I am willing to submit and allow him to spank me but he is not taking his role seriously to take care of us. I thought that we were working towards him leading the household and protecting us. That he would be willing to take the time to make sure that I am okay. And certainly, that he would not walk away or go to sleep when things are so unsettled.
And then this brought us to dd. I feel like I am carrying that too. I feel like I am doing it all. I tell him when to tell me no or when he should put his foot down. I tell him when I do something wrong and suggest that he should spank me. I try to not get in trouble so there is no need for a spanking. But then when we discuss a reconnect or maintenance spanking, it seems to go nowhere. I don't think that I should be in charge of this relationship.


I want to just say f--k it. Yes there has been some good that has come around. But I allowed him to hurt me and he doesn't understand why I am upset. He doesn't hold me in his arms and promise that we will make things right. There is nothing. He says "I told you that my feelings were hurt. I communicated."But where was he to set things straight. Why didn't he try harder to make sure everything was okay. He is supposed to be the head of the house, to take care of us and protect us. He is the leader.

So I still haven't quite figured out what I want to say. Yet I know that we will work things out. We have no other choice. Our marriage is forever and domestic discipline has been very poitive for us. I just want to melt into him.