I probably complain about my teenagers more than I should. It is tough, right now, to be a mom. People use to ask me how I could handle five kids and comment that they could barely handle their two. Back when they were little, it didn't seem really over welling. Their problems were easy to fix, their actions were easy to direct, and their stories were easy to hear. Sure there was a lot of chaos but it wasn't bad, it was kind of fun. We didn't worry a lot about little things. There wasn't a lot of "that's mine". They helped each other, they argued, they laughed, and they loved. Hurt feelings didn't last long and prayer seem to help their fears. I have absolutely loved being a mom. I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. Even never having enough money, it was good. 
But now, four of the kids are teens and one is 21. They all live at home. And each one seems to selfish, self centered, unappreciative, rude, and not really likable. Ty even commented to me, last night, that he feels horrible that he is having a hard time loving our kids. I reminded him that he loves them, just didn't like them. He looked at me and told me that I was right. We have both been told that we will miss this one day. I find it hard to believe at this moment
My kids were not raised with money, they were to taught to earn what they got. Yet, now they expect us to buy them things, pay for things, and act like they deserve it.We didn't go overboard on helping them with their homework. We taught them over, and over to do their best - not have to do things twice or be disappointed when they have to do things twice. And their school work is acceptable but nowhere near what they are capable of doing.
We taught our kids wrong from right. Yet they still get caught in lies, they try things that they know are wrong, and we have really started to not trust them. It is a horrible feeling.It is time for my two older children to move out. Did you notice that I called them children and not young adults or adults? We thought that we were raising them so that when it was time for them to leave the nest, they would fly. We are trying to push and encourage them to try and fly and they just seem to not get it.
My younger teens are not so needy, they are more independent. They are falling into the same traps of doing what their friends are doing and not remembering what we taught them. I just want to shake them and tell them to stop, just stop what they are doing and listen to me/us. My daughter has even told us that on the day of her 18th birthday that she was going to make her own decisions and that if she wanted to spend the night at her boyfriends (who still lives with his parents at the age of 20), or get a tattoo, or whatever else, she will do it. We tried to explain that she still followed our rules while living in our house. And if she doesn't want to, there is the front door.
One of the counselors we saw, told me that my son was that his fear of failing was greater than his need to succeed. What the heck happened to that young man who challenged himself and always tried so hard to be the best. What has made him lack motivation?
I have been told that my children are part of the generation that things that they are owed something, not that they have to earn it. They just expect it things. And I was not a big trophy mom, I tried to let me children know when they did well and did not think that they got a trophy for just showing up. Aaaahhh, what happened to my children?
What it really boils down to, I love my children unconditionally. I have taught them all that I know, I have shown them good and bad, and now all I can do is hope for the best and not try and blame myself and Ty. Most important, I pray and pray. They are God's children and he will never leave them.
Part of me wants to say, "Well I'd do this…" but that's as far as I got. Yes you want to have them move out when they are grown. But seriously, what parent is going to put their stuff on the curb and change the locks. My definition of an adult is someone who live outside their parents house and pays ALL their own bills. When my son moved to NYC I kept him on our phone plan for a year when he switched to his boyfriends plan he sent me an email saying, "Today I am a man." I was glad he had heard me.
ReplyDeleteI did have one friend with only one 'child' at home. Twenty -seven and wanted to eat and play video games all day. The parents shut off all access electricity, cable and internet when they weren't home during the day. They padlocked the pantry and refrigerator. They would not allow access to the washer and dryer and never did his laundry. Suddenly in about 2 weeks he decided he didn't like the living conditions and took an apartment with a friend. Could I do that? I'm not sure, but it sounded good. Mollie graduates soon and doesn't have a job yet. Stay tuned and I'll let you know what happens.
PK, Your son is definitely someone to be proud of. I would love to meet him some day. And your daughter, wow, you have done a great job raising her too. Just knowing how much love there is between you and her, she even wants to follow in your career footsteps. Great family.
DeleteI told Ty, the night I wrote this post, that I couldn't take it anymore. Time for tough love. I like your friend's idea and I am trying to figure out how to make that work with having the other kids around. I am going to rent that movie Hitched and see if he might get a bigger hint.
Thanks
Blondie,
ReplyDeleteI can not guarantee that everything will work out OK; things will be what they are meant to be. I can only offer that a complete ratbag, me, middle son of 5 children, can still turn out to be not so bad after all.
As my mother still tells me, grand children are parents revenge on their own children....usually while happily playing with her own great grand son.
I started apologizing to my mother the day I gave birth. It hasn't seem to have helped. And don't you know that the middle child always turns out to be the most well rounded adult.
DeleteI am looking forward to someday being a grandmother, not too soon. I miss the innocence of a child. For now, I will get through this time and will someday have my own "revenge". Thanks for your words of encouragement
Been there...but with only 3, can't imagine surviving 5. Do your best...which is what you have been doing...trust your instincts...and Good Luck!
ReplyDeletehugs abby
Thanks, I need all the luck I can get. Personally, from what I have observed (in my little world) is that the difference between one child and two and two children and three are the big differences in parenting. Once you have more than two, it doesn't matter, you now have a large family and you and your husband are out numbered. Thanks for the support
DeleteIn today's job market, even many college grads are not getting jobs that pay enough to live off. In our suburban area, there is no where that you could rent a room. For an apartment, you need security deposits and at least a month's rent in advance. The average age to move out or get married is much older than when we were 20.
ReplyDeleteI hated trying to talk with my sons when they were teens, it was as if they couldn't make a complete sentence. We urged them to take part in after school activities in high school so they'd keep busy and to find summer jobs. They both had periods where they got into some troubles, but were on their own with decent jobs by 22. Try to hang in there, but also try to insist on respect.
Kate, thanks so much for your great information and reminders. My kids have been working summer jobs since they were at least fourteen and some were young entrepreneurs when they were younger than that. They have had to hell out with buying their own things, especially when we were unemployed for over a year. And during that time, they worked mowing lawns and babysitting. I always found some kind of financial aid for them to play sports or go to church camp.
DeleteI would be more then happy to help them get an apartment but my oldest son is being unrealistic and thinking that he can get something real nice when he moves out. We were both struggling college students, living on ramen, and paying our way through school, so we tell him - you will not have all of the luxuries that you think you are entitled to. Plus my kids get financial aid, which includes tuition and housing, plus some help with bus passes and purchasing of school books. With a part time job, all of his other expenses he could cover. Sorry ranting again.
We are trying our hardest. Thank you for all your encouraging words. It's nice to hear the success stories.
As Don said, there are no guarantees. You do your best and hope for the best. Kids today do expect everything on a silver platter with not much input from them - I see it in my grandkids (sorry to say) Try not pulling out your hair and getting through the next few years. Good luck and hugs.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I need all the luck I can get. Where does this feeling of entitlement come from? A crazy generation. I guess there really isn't any other option than to just try and enjoy some of this time with my entitled teens.
DeleteMy sister keeps reminding me....they will remember everything that you have taught them, in time. They have a great foundation it is there, just a little buried at the moment. I know what you mean though. I often say EXACTLY what your councilor said about your oldest, to Barney, " He is so afraid of failing, he isn't trying" basically he is choosing to fail ...and to them there is some odd sense of 'power' in that. Our oldest are quite similar, brilliant minds from the get go. I think they fear because they have always been told from outside sources how smart they are...and I know in our case it doesn't translate onto paper what is in his mind.
ReplyDeleteToday I sit here, with less than 4 hours sleep in me because a long time friend lost her 18 year old son yesterday afternoon to a violent crime. Yesterday morning I sat here fretting over if our oldest was going to graduate on time. But you know what? In the grand scheme of things, does it matter who's time table they are on? I have to remind myself that support is paramount. We all try our best, or so we hope, I know looking back we question, and that is all we can do. There comes a time where they choose their paths. True many mistakes in their past make for a more difficult future for them, but it is still a FUTURE.
If we listen and look around many, many parents are going through similar things. Of course we are afraid to admit to one another for appearing like we did something wrong. The teenage years are trying. We are dealing with adult bodies with toddler minds. As you know we have 3 boys and they are all completely different. Our middle son is the sweetest PERSON I know, has his university picked out even though it is 2 years away...etc...etc... And yet still raised in the same house. I am going with teenagers are insane or they drive you insane. Good luck trying to keep the inmates from running the asylum !
Love a very understanding...unfortunately
willie
It's always a relief talking to you, it helps me remember that I am not alone in this time of my life. You do make a good point, we never do know exactly how long we have this child in our lives. I am feeling very blessed. My heart breaks for your friend. A parent's worst nightmare. Even as adults, I look at my siblings and wonder if we really did all live in the same house.
Deletettyl
Reading your post Blondie, is making me think maybe the relationship we have with DHs older kids is not as unusual as we think. I know when I was a teenager it was hard to see anyone but myself having a schedule or feelings. :)
ReplyDeleteHere to hope that if we do our job as parents as well as we can our kids will turn out alright too! It has too! :D
The teenager years can be the most selfish of times for most kids. But there are the exceptions. My daughter and I never argued until she turned 17, and every argument we have had has been about her boyfriend. I just keep hoping that what we have instilled in them will be what helps them when they need it. I cannot imagine what it is like to be a teen these days. But they are still driving me crazy!!! I totally respect you for being a step mother who cares. "Way to go!!!
Delete((Hugs)) Blondie. Hang in there and try and breathe. All you can do is your best. Kids today do seem to expect everything to be handed to them with little effort on their part. You and Ty have given them a good grounding and that will surface in time, with a little more maturity.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
I think that I need to take up meditation and/or yoga to help me breather and not have panic attacks. Thanks so much for your encouragement.
DeleteHi Blondie, oh dear, life is hard. Ours are grown now and have turned out fine, yours will too. Tell yourself this is a phase they are going through, albeit an unpleasant one. I am sure they will turn out alright in the end. Five seems so many, perhaps that is why it all seems so overwhelming. Makes me glad I stopped at two!
ReplyDeletelots of sympathy
Jan,xx
I wasn't overwhelmed until recently. Life was always just chaotic but fun. Six more years and I will have no teenagers at all. I am sure that time will fly but while I am here in the middle of it, the time seems to be standing still. And my youngest, who just turned 13 is still pretty sweet. And he is still shorter than me..... gotta like that. Thanks for the hope
DeleteJust want to give you some hope.... Know that they may be acting off the wall now but the lessons you have taught them they carry even if it is hidden behind the race they want the world to see... Things will get better and they will come back to appreciate you and your husband... I can't tell 100% that everything will be a fairy tale ending but your family will stabilize again and they will come back to the center values you taught them.... Teenagers are designed to fight against so they find that they appreciate the way you live :) sending lots of love and compassion to you I have raised two and am still working on two so I have a busy house as well and things get easier
ReplyDeleteFrom your lips to God's ears. You sound like you have things under control (or as much as possible) and knowing that the first two turned out good, well..... keep up the good work. Throw me any bits of advice you have. Thanks for giving me some hope
DeleteAt some point in the future it will get better! I understand how cloudy and mucky things can be during the tumultuous teens. But remember you have taught them love and values. It is their choices now they have to fall before they can learn to stand and walk. This is just hard because you know they need help but they refuse to say help me please...and they refuse to accept your experience. They believe that you can't possibly understand your too old, but they will learn to love you again and even more importantly they will appreciate everything you have done for them. I send you lots of love I know it is hard to watch as a passive bystander when you were always the one to kiss boo boos and keep monsters at bay and save the day with a hug. Tell them you love them often let them know you there when they are ready for you. Let them yell and cry they have limited emotional regulation at this stage and it is challenging to control all those things. Try not to take it personal (I know that is hard they can say really hurtful things at times) tell them they can talk to you after they have their melt down. Let them melt it is ok it will not make the world come to a screeching halt. Just remember that even though they act like aliens or other peoples children and not at all like yours they will return to your values once they learn to walk again....
DeleteSending you and your husband love and light to be able to breathe, walk away, choose your battles wisely, and love even when they are acting like rattlesnakes ready to strike
I very much understand where you are coming from my friend. My oldest was the worst but has since straightened out...took him a while. My youngest told me he learned his lesson from watching what trouble his older brother got into. They are both happily married now...and neither one lives with me! :D
ReplyDeleteYa know, you can teach them all you want but then they look around and see the entitled little jerks around them getting everything handed to them and think...why shouldn't I get everything without having to work for it. There will reach the age of "Mom! You got your brains back!" and then you're teaching will kick in.
Give your kids the same line my dad gave me and my brother and I gave my boys..."My house, my rules! So as long as you live in my home, you will have a curfew and chores as well as practice common courtesy such as letting me know where you are and when you will be home. There will be no overnight guests." After they moved out, I did help them out here and there when they needed it but they basically supported themselves.
Hang in there...you and Ty will get through this. Sending lots of prayers and positive energy your way.
Hugs and blessings...
Cat
Thanks Cat. I need to hear the success stories. I think that each one of them takes a turn at being the most difficult (and sometimes there is two). This time there isn't any one specific thing, it's just all of it. We do live in an area of town where most families have a lot of money and the kids don't have to work for anything. My kids know about hard work, even if they act like they don't. I am so pleased that you and the others have shared their stories and it all makes me feel hopeful. One day at a time....
DeleteHi Blondie.
ReplyDeleteWe love our children unconditionally and we do the best we can to give them the tools they need to grow, the love they need to thrive, and the support they need to learn. Doing our best is all we can do. My children are 9 and 12 and some days are really trying. I have tried to teach them kindness, honesty, respect, and to do their best. Some days they listens. Others they do not. But I keep loving, teaching, and hoping. I have seen glimpses of future teenage years with both of them and I am not ready. Please may I find the strength. :-) Wishing you hugs and know you are a great mom...
I suppose that since we do love them unconditionally, we never give up and throw in the towel. I think and believe that we have taught all the valllues that one should have. We gave them a strong fouddation and we tried to show them that love is more important than things. Now they have to figure it out (and hopefully soon). Your kids are at a great age, pre-teen. Okay, not the best but better than the whiney four years olds and the terrible teens (that I swore my children would not have). Thanks for the hugs and the belief you have in me. Your words really will go a long way
DeleteI haven't read all the comments above, so I apologize if I'm repetitive. Basically, you do the best you can. How can you do any better? Years ago, when our oldest was just tiny, I had to leave our house at 5:40 AM to be to work on time. My husband worked full time and also took a full load of college classes. When Baby woke in the middle of hte night, we did what ever we had to do to get him back to sleep the fastest. Was it the best for him? Nope. We didn't have the "luxury" of teaching him how to go back to sleep on his own. That opened up a can of other problems. But we did what we had to do at the time. That's what parenting is. Doing the best with what you have.
DeleteI've seen some amazing parents and then look at their kids and wonder what happened. As much as we'd like to, we cannot always make the decisions for them. They make their own choices and then they get the consequenses, good or bad. I think the hardest thing about parenting is standing by watching our kids make wrong choices. But sometimes, they have to do it their way.
I can't say I know what you're going through as my oldest is 14. But I totally sympathize with you. Keep praying for them - sometimes that's the only we can do.
PS - I SOOOO wanted 5 kids. or at least 4. I think it's terrific that you have 5. You're awesome. :)