Self-Validation

This post is on self-validation and it was Willie and Abby who inspired me to do this with their own blog post on self validation.

Years of counseling with my daughter and one important thing that I have learned is to validate her feelings. Even if I don't agree, I validate them because they are real to her. And let me tell you, that is not always easy. Some of the things that come out of her mouth are so wrong, her memory of the past and all that. But if she says "I feel like everyone ignored me" I can't say "no, we didn't". I instead have to validate her feelings, I don't have to agree  with them I just need to let her know that I hear her and that those feelings are okay. Not an easy task since her memory of some events aren't quite the truth. Someone cannot tell you that how you feel isn't how you feel

So if that is the case, then how come I question my own feelings. The main one is why am I sad when everything is going good. Well, I suffer from depression so my moods don't always have to do with my environment. Which of course, doesn't mean that they aren't valid. So the depression aside, what about the other feelings of self worth. How does one self validate? And how does self-validation help or hurt my relationship?

Too often my thoughts are more along the line of what did I do wrong instead of what is wrong with so and so? I take the blame for other people's feelings and feel responsible for other's happiness. For example, when I use to call my mom and she was all grumpy, I took it personally..... what did I do wrong, why doesn't she want to talk to me? Now, I accept that it has nothing to do with me, she is just grumpy, so I quickly end the call and try talking to her another time. It is not me that makes her grumpy it is her. But I fight these feelings all the time. I have to be aware of my feelings, validate them, question the reason behind them, know that my emotions are  normal for me, and be alright with them.

What does this have to do with my spanking relationship with my husband. How does this affect my submissiveness? First, I have to admit to having lots of counselling the last 10-12 years. Counseling with my children, family counseling, marriage counseling and counseling for myself. And it has helped, not as much as I would hope but enough to give me the tools to help myself and my family.

Stress and guilt are two of the main reasons that I will get a spanking. There is something to be said about the feelings I get when spanked. It is as if a huge boulder is taken off of my shoulder and I am free to be me again. It is better than any self-validation I can give myself. The release is there and I am able to lose the weight. Not my actual weight but the weight that was holding me back from being me. For example, for whatever reason I didn't get my chores done today and I don't have a good excuse. I didn't do my job. Maybe I was busy blogging and just lost track of time, whatever the reason, the work didn't get done. So now I feel terrible and guilty that I had fun before I got my work done. I can't even come up with a good reason for my behavior. Or another example of guilt that I can't rid myself of is me exercising. It is so important that I do for my health but I don't and I feel horrible about myself. Can I self'-validate. Well sure, I did something or didn't do something and now I feel bad about myself. But the part about moving on, forgiving oneself are the steps I haven't learned. A good spanking is the cure for me. I am "forgiven", I took the punishment and now everything is good. The spanking hurt, it wasn't for fun and I didn't enjoy it. But now I can move on and tomorrow when I think about getting on the computer instead of going to the gym, my sore bottom will remind me that there are consequences, that I don't like, if I don't get priorities done first.

Self validation is important to living with intense emotions. Which when I submit, I am opening myself up to feelings that are strong and sometimes out of control. Some may think that you give up thinking when you are being submissive, that you don't have your own feelings, that you are allowing someone else to tell you how to think and feel. I totally disagree. The word submit can mean to allow something you don't want to happen to happen. But that's not it. When I submit, the voices in my head stop talking and telling me hurtful things. If I am feeling bad about myself and I can't self-validate, my submission allows me to feel vulnerable and I am built back up. The Dom's job is to take care of me, protect me and to help me to be the best I can be. It's not abuse, you are not told that you are worthless, fat, ugly, or anything like this.  Instead, I find my happy place. Sometimes it really does take the quieting of the mind for me to find peace.

So where am I going with all of this. Self-validation is a big  but I also benefit from having a good Dominant who can make me feel good about myself. I do a good job with keeping my feelings normal and I am doing better at being less critical and more forgiving of myself. The two just go hand in hand for me. Submitting and self-validating together make for the best me.