Feeling Alive - Different Than I Had Once Imagined

I found this picture and saying on Tumbler. I thought to myself - that's me! All of what I desired, it made me feel alive. It's not that I feel dead the rest of the time. I love my life. The ups and the downs. I feel sorrow and joy, love and hate. But the feeling of submission, being dominated, bound, spanked, the whole thing - that sets my body afire. I feel like I have been given a jolt, a refresher, a do-over, a new lease on life. I need it, I want it, and I crave it.

 

I wonder to myself, sometimes, who am I? Why do I like things that I am too
embarrassed to share with others? Why can't I just be normal? That thought always makes me chuckle, who the hell determines what is normal is this world. I find myself going off on tangents, trying to just comprehend who is this person I see when I look in the mirror. I detest having to live a secretive life, even if it is only a small part of my life.  I live in fear of being caught, maybe because of something I say, or something someone overhears, or a child walking in on us. How absolutely mortified I would be. I am just not proud of myself. Why do I like to be bound? spanked? used? fucked? (not always all of them all of the time) What the heck is this all about.

I will say that I am not too disconcerted with our domestic discipline relationship. This dynamic pretty much saved our marriage. At least it made our marriage great instead of tolerable. The closeness, the oneness, the love and respect, so good for us. We took two very strong willed people and tried to make a marriage succeed. The problem with that was we ended up always trying to be right and not listening to the other. We fought, we fought dirty, even fought in front of the kids. It was an appalling way to raise a family. The domestic discipline part gave us the 51 to 49% marriage. But it also ended the arguing. I could go on forever about the positives of that relationship. If someone was to become aware of this relationship, and I don't' mean the 51/49%, I mean the punishment part, I would feel somewhat disconcerted but it wouldn't be the end of the world. Though it would probably change that relationship...This is not something that we share outside of our bedroom. Ty makes me feel safe. I know that he will always take care of me. I know that he won't push me too far. I know that he likes his role in this relationship. I know that he would never humiliate me or make me feel ashamed. And most of all, I know he loves me and that I love him. I trust him with my entire being. If we did ever go to a club or somewhere like that, I know that Ty would protect me and make me feel good. So this I am comfortable with.


 Ty and me . He is my rock. He understands and he is there for me.