I don't know if I have shared that we have really gotten involved in the Fetlife community in our area. We attend munches and parties 3-4 times a month and we have gotten to know a lot of people. That's all good stuff and I have to tell you, we are having so much fun. The kids have no idea, of course, what we are doing but are always so curious. Ty gives them all kinds of no answer answers. I just tell them that we are going out with friends. No lies, no mystery.
The people that own one of the local dungeons also host swingers parties on nights that are not fet. For some reason, fet people and swingers don't seem to get along. We get along with both. Well back up, we get along with the swingers not because we are swingers, yet. But we help out at the swinger events and then get free admission into the dungeon on fet nights. And the more time we spend with the the swingers, the more Ty is interested in giving it a try. Yikes! That is what is causing me the most anxiety right now.
I am not going to say that I am not open to things, just that I am not quite ready to have sex with someone else. At fet parties, we play with other people but there is no sex involved. I hope that makes sense. It's like they are two different worlds. But I find that it is okay with me for Ty to spank someone else and he is okay with someone else flogging or beating me.
But I haven't been with anyone else, sexually in 30 years. I feel like a virgin. Once I sleep with someone else, I can't take it back. And is this something that will be good for our marriage. What if I am no good in bed? I know what Ty likes, and we have spiced things up quite a bit but what if ..... so many what ifs. And it isn't just swapping that is on the table but adding another male for the evening would satisfy Ty too. Something that seems good in a fantasy but what will it do for our marriage? And I feel overweight and old. But the owner of the dungeon wants to be my first and he makes me feel sexy.
What to do
Hi Blondie,
ReplyDeleteIt's great to hear from you! I can understand how this would raise so many questions for you. Ultimately it has to be right for you and something you are both comfortable with. We visited a swingers club once, more out of curiosity than anything else, but it wasn't for us.
Hugs
Roz
It is just such a difficult situation. I am fine with the way things are now. I sometimes wish that Ty would be adamantly opposed to sharing his wife. It would make me feel better and take away any stress or worry. But people in the lifestyle swear by it and lots of them are happily married. Thanks for your kind words and support.
Delete^ You answered your own question right there.
DeleteHugs to you my friend.
I love seeing you here! You will need to decide this for yourself, not you and Ty - you have to decide if YOU want this. And if you do I hope it's a wonderful experience for you. It wouldn't be for me but I know spanking wouldn't be for a lot of people so to each their own!
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to have friends like you that are so supportive. Glad I took the chance to write about this because the support is wonderful and much needed. I don't know what I want except that I don't want anything to happen that might cause any upset within my marriage. I love Ty so much and we have survived so many things within our married life, I just don't want anything to mess it up. Plus I am happy with how things are. I don't know how open minded I can be with this.
DeleteHi Blondie! Good to see you writing again. I think it would be extremely important for you and Ty to really talk about what you each want to get out of this experience. Is it something you want to explore together to enhance your relationship or it is something you want to spice up your sexual individuality. If it's something for you as a couple about you as a couple, that's one thing. Explore the why and then you'll decide on the what and how. Take care of each other first and always be honest with each other about what you are thinking and feeling. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAmy
Amy, your advice is great. Ty and I have discussed this so much and something is still holding me back. I know that he wants this but he doesn't want me to have any regrets so he would support my decision either way. It's just such a different way of thinking. I don't know what to do. Thank you again for your support and guidance.
DeleteHi Blondie, I have no advice for you, this is way out of my comfort zone. Each to their own though so really you and Ty are the only ones who can decide. It isn't something to be taken lightly , it can't be taken back after all. Good luck whatever you decide.
ReplyDeletelove Jan, xx
Jan, it use to be totally out of my comfort zone too but now that I have witnessed it and spoken with so many people who are just raving about it, now the "box" is open. I don't know if I will regret my decision to do it but I know that I won't regret not doing it. Thank you for your support and for not making me feel bad. Some day I will let you all know what I decide.
DeleteThis is a big decison, has to be right and feel totally comfortable. You and Ty really need to discuss this. If you go ahead I hope it works and it's a wonderful experience. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Ronnie
xx
Ronnie, we have been discussing this for months, probably at least six months. I keep "chickening" out. And I really appreciate the support and good advice. I always consider myself pretty open minded but this just goes against my upbringing and I am having a terrible time making it work. Thanks again!
DeleteHey there,
ReplyDeleteReading your responses to the other comments left, leaves very little doubt in my mind where your heart stands on this. Perhaps you are struggling to allow yourself to feel what you want ( or maybe in this case NOT want) because Ty seems very much interested in it? I would like you to consider a few things (no doubt again- and I am playing devil's advocate here not passing judgement), just because others have survived and thrived after doesn't mean every one will - If you wish Ty would (sometimes) be adamant about not sharing his wife, how will that affect you after the fact? And the big one, your faith ?
I don't like to think of myself as a jealous person where my husband is concerned but I don't think I could look at him or believe he is looking at me the same way after. All of those 'performance' anxiety thoughts you are having would certainly be going through my mind too. Even though I believe the physical part of BDSM for us is extremely intimate, I think it would be easier for me to process and detach myself if someone else were to 'play' with me than I could with sex.
All I can say to you is make sure you are 100% in, because as you said you can't take it back after. Take your time deciding, and if you have any doubt at all, maybe take some more time. Let your heart decide on this one not your brain. Whatever you decide I will support it provided you feel you are being true to yourself.
Best of luck
love w
Willie, I have been on the fence here since before Christmas. So far I keep saying no. Ty, seeing me sexually happy, is more where he is coming from. He likes to see me pleasured. And with age and the medication he takes, he doesn't think that he is satisfying me. Which isn't the case. My heart isn't sure about it and my brain is listening to my heart. Thank you for being honest and open and giving such great advice.
DeleteSo perhaps there is another thing to consider, based on what you have said Ty wants to see- you sexually happy, how would he actually feel if he believes another man satisfied you in a way he thinks he can't? I don't know, the male mind is a different beast that is for sure. Maybe he is convincing himself he wants this because he feels guilt, yet there is also the male ego to contend with after? What if after *HE* has regrets and it comes down to you agreeing? What if in the long run he wishes you would have said 'no' ? ( No doubt you have thought of all these scenarios countless time in your head- so sorry to add to the confusion if you have put these issues to bed- pardon the pun...snort). As always you know where to find me ( though maybe a little slower than before in answering)
Delete<3 w
Great. Would love for you read & comment on my Spanking Stories. Enjoying your blog. Keep writing, posting. :)
ReplyDeleteOkay........ Thanks for stopping by, I guess.
DeleteGood to see you writing Blondie. As the others have said you need to really think before taking that final leap. You can't change once it has happened and you don't want regrets. If it doesn't feel right don't do it. Its definitely not my cup of tea. Good luck in deciding. Please be safe!
ReplyDeleteHugs Lindy xx
Thanks Lindy. I can't change things once they happen but does it matter, will it add to our marriage or will it take something away from it. It just goes against my upbringing, I guess.
DeleteHi Blondie, :) It's always nice to see a post from you! Wow! That is a lot to consider! You already got a lot of great advice above, about a very big decision. I'm not sure that I can add much more. I'll try...
ReplyDeleteI read this earlier today, and spent some time thinking about it. While it is for sure, not something that Rob or I would do, I still tried to put myself in your shoes, as much as possible. What I think that I hear from you all around, is a real hesitancy to move forward with this. In these kinds of times, I often think that we need to listen to ourselves... trust in our intuition. As Lindy mentions above, if it doesn't feel right, don't ignore that.
Other than the fact that it is new, and completely different for you, I wonder if there is some hurt regarding the fact that Ty even wants this- in some way? I'm not trying to rock the boat, but this popped into my mind. I'd wonder if I was enough. Hard to bring up, but sometimes those are the things that help the most. I wonder if that thought is playing a role... is the strong pull, besides the obvious, against going forward with that type of lifestyle... Something to listen to yourself about/ponder... and discuss.
I'm with everyone else, I hope that you figure out what is right for you, make your decision, and then talk it through with Ty. If you are cool with it, and want to go for it, I hope that it is all that you want it to be! Take good care of you! You are a special friend to us all. Many hugs and love,
❤️Katie xoxo
Katie, thank you for all of your kind words. You are a special friend too. Ty is a good husband and he does get jealous, I have seen it even recently. He sees this as an opportunity to give to our relationship. It's not like having a serious partner more just having sex with a friend and leaving it at that. But you are right, I am feeling all crazy and somewhat hurt that he keeps being persistent when I would like him to be more possessive. He wants to see me enjoy myself sexually. I just don't know
DeleteHi Blondie, another perspective: take baby steps into the Swinger's world. My wife and I were in a similar situation years ago when our relationship was new. I'm a hard-core spanko, my wife's interests are broader in BDSM but we're completely monogamous; never have been true swingers. Didn't click with local Fetlife crowd,started going to the local Swingers parties; people there were welcoming,not at all pressuring, fun loving, tolerant, danced, ate, drank; very happy and sizeable crowd, run by a greatoldcouple who had been swingers and were now too infirm to participate,once a month they'd charge $40 a couple, get 50 to 100 people in their big house,helped them get by on their fixed income.
ReplyDeleteWe liked watching people have sex, and having sex with just each other there. Other than some spanking, we didn't play with other people at all, and no-one ever pressured us. I'd come from the spanko world before I met my wife; bright line between spanking and having any other intimate contact at parties. How we would have progressed in it I don't know,the wife in old couple died and nothing local that ever took it's place.
My wife and I were new in our relationship, cautious about swinging, but I get now she would have enjoyed slowly going further. We think about trying to find another Swingers group sometime, but now grandkids are our major focus; exciting getaway is Legoland.
You don't have to go all the way right away. Start with clear predetermined limits (eg no penetration) and slowly advance if feels right. If your mind isn't sure, trust your body. Don't do it if it doesn't feel comfortable. Even if you do go all the way, it's not a fatal step. You can go back: you tried it, it wasn't for you, and that's a closed chapter; Ty will need to respect that and honor you trying it.
A confusion(speaking as a Spanko interested in DD from early age)is that while DD is all about the relationship, Swinging is not. Swinging is about fantasy. Understanding my wife more, it's all about bringing back to your relationship. Talk a lot with Ty: what he thinks about you being with another man. For my wife, it's fantasy that I'm proud of what an excellent little slut she is; I offer her to my esteemed men friends, like a fine bottle of wine; objectification is very sexy to her. She's more conflicted, but also very aroused by the idea of watching me seduce another woman, how that would make me powerful in her eyes. Remember, this would be fantasy play. We are NOT talking about having an affair, which is a relationship. Our previous reluctance was about crossing that line. You're secure in your relationship, Swinging won't be a threat, done with experienced people with good boundaries.
Have good communication, first between you and Ty, and then with the other people involved. Focus of the activity, especially at the beginning, is all about you. You're Queen, maybe ravished and subjugated Queen. Being the focus might feel undeserved or uncomfortable, but for men the most sexy thing is a woman expanding her sexuality. Swinging is different from DD. Not about relationship; it's fantasy. If Queen wants Ty and the other guy totally pleasuring you, an erotic 4 hands massage, double oral stimulation (like the picture!), that's what Queen gets. Or instead you want other guy spanking you while you service Ty, it's your choice. Another sexy safe start is you and Ty having sex; other guy directing you what to do to Ty, without any physical contact.
Find another woman in the Swinging world you can trust, who is supportive and has your back. You choose who and how Ty gets sexual with someone else. Baby steps, check in with your body a lot, don't go beyond your comfort level. It's also true that you regret more the things you didn't do, than the thing you did. Best of luck to you and Ty!
Thank you so much for your advice. I haven't met anyone who has tried the swinging lifestyle and regretted it but I am still afraid that I may be that one. Swingers are great people and a lot of fun. I am fortunate that I can be part of that world and my fet world. I think that baby steps is a good idea. All we have done is worked the events never participated in anyway. Maybe watching or having sex with one another might be all that we do and Ty would be satisfied. Thank you again!
DeleteSo much wonderful advice has already been given I don't think I have anything more to add that would be valuable. All I will say is take all the time you need to make a decision. You have both been together a long time. Waiting, whether a day, a week, a year is okay. It is an important decision that both of you need to be fully comfortable with. Trust your instincts and listen to your heart. And trust that Whatever you decide will bring you both closer. Big hugs
ReplyDeleteTerps thanks. I love the support that I am getting. There is no deadline for me so I can take as long as I want or I can just say no and stop all speculation. That's where I am muddling right now. Ty has been talking about this since before Christmas and we are still just talking though he is ready for more, at least that is what he says. I just don't want to do anything that could harm our marriage. Thirty years with the same man and I am still happy with him.
DeleteHi, I am a new lady just reading and getting to know the gals through their blogs. Been married for about the same time you have. We do ttwd/dd just under 10 years and do not participate in the swinging lifestyle, but I stumbled upon your blog and have seen your comments on others' blogs, so I thought I'd see what you were up to. So while I don't have experience in the things you and Ty are considering, I do have the loving, long marriage like you do. So, from a stranger, who is completely objective other than the fact that I care about you as a fellow human being, woman, and kinky gal, this is what I "hear" you saying:
ReplyDelete"And the more time we spend with the the swingers, the more Ty is interested in giving it a try. Yikes! That is what is causing me the most anxiety right now." -- Ty is interested, and you want to please him. What I didn't hear you say was that you are ready so I am thinking you are not. Look at your sentence like this, "And the more time we spend with the swingers, the more Blondie feels ......" Fill in the blank.
"I am not going to say that I am not open to things, just that I am not quite ready to have sex with someone else." Again, I hear you saying you are not ready.
"And it isn't just swapping that is on the table but adding another male for the evening would satisfy Ty too." What I don't hear is what Blondie would feel about Ty having sex with someone else. Is that okay with you?
"But the owner of the dungeon wants to be my first and he makes me feel sexy." Of course he wants to be your first. He's no dummy. This could have the potential of being more than just play, and not in a good way as you said you do not want to have an affair. But, just because Ty is there, doesn't mean that it won't feel like an affair to you afterwards. We can say and fully intend that the sexual intercourse is just play, but there is no guarantee that you won't have feelings for this man even though you love Ty with all your heart.
In your response to Katie, you said, "Ty is a good husband and he does get jealous, I have seen it even recently." "But you are right, I am feeling all crazy and somewhat hurt that he keeps being persistent when I would like him to be more possessive." This suggests to me that Ty does indeed mind sharing you with somebody else. Whatever he recently got jealous over, I cannot imagine him NOT being jealous of another man having sex with his wife.
I wish you the best. Take care of your heart. I don't have a blog (yet?), but my e-mail is in my profile if you ever need someone to listen to your feelings. But, it seems like you have some wonderful friends here that have commented. I think they are all pretty wise.
Windy, thank you so much for reaching out to me and leaving such a kind and caring message. I do have some wonderful friends here in blogland but can always use one more so I hope you get yourself a blog soon. I am terrible at email and there are some women around here that will testify to that, lol.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I don't know for sure what I want. I am leaning to the no side but there are some good arguments towards saying yes, at least giving it a try and if I don't like it I don't have to do it again. Ty is a complex man and when he gets jealous it always surprises me because he isn't known to be the jealous type.
Thank you again Windy for stopping by and for your good advice.
Blondie -- I have a blog now! Just thought I'd let you know! I hope you are doing well !
DeleteI don't envy you this decision. While mulling it over remember to do what is comfortable for you, not TY. I don't mean to sound trite but men are very different than us and look at things differently than us. Our emotions enter into it, while men seem to be able to compartmentalize things of this nature. I wish you luck.
ReplyDeleteHi Blondie,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all it's great to see you blogging here again!
As far as the swinger lifestyle goes- I'm afraid I'm the "prude" of the group. I believe sex is between a married couple only- I say married as in any type of marriage whether that be hetero or homosexual. But I don't think sex should ever, ever, ever go outside of marriage or incorporate the presence of anyone else.
Honestly I think the spanking is less of an issue although for me it would be the same because it is a very intimate act that opens up a lot of vulnerability.
Anyhow, I agree that you both should really talk and think about this before jumping into anything.
Jlynne