I guess I have been kind of MIA this week. Why? Well my bio dad came to town to visit. Okay.... And how was that, you might wonder? Honestly, it still feels weird. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that he came and all that. It's just reconciling it all with my life and what's going on with my feelings. I haven't known this man for fifty years of my life. He was seventeen when I was born and he didn't know about me till he was 67. I know how it easy it is to fall in love with your brand new baby but to love unconditionally, an adult, feels like, I don't know, it feels like questionable. And where do my bio parents fit into my life. It's not like one has two sets of parents. I have parents, they raised me and loved me from the day I was born. So what are the other people? Are they friends, no..... that isn't right either. And what really makes me feel bad, my bio parents just love me because I am their biological daughter, no questions asked and it is me who questions everything, it's me who can't figure out where everyone fits, and it's me who feels guilty about letting these people into my life when I already have a family. And yet, I still welcomed him into my home and into my family. The kids must feel my hesitancy because they are not trying to get to know him. They are polite but not trying to really spend time with him. One of my sons tried to explain that he just doesn't have "family" feelings for him. What am I supposed to say?
The other thing about Jim, my bio dad, my kids don't quite know what to make of him. Jim fancies himself to being a badass. He has lived a life kind of on the rough side. He's been in a motorcycle gang, ran night clubs, been shot at, married six times, has four children that he doesn't really know and raised one daughter by himself since the mother was a druggie. He doesn't really believe in true love, except that he says he still loves my bio mom. But he talks about lust instead of love to the kids. He badmouths marriage, he isn't afraid to pull a gun, and he is kind of inappropriate at times. You can laugh it off or be offended, it doesn't really matter. I tend to just laugh. But if he was influential to my kids, I might not find it funny. Luckily, my kids have seen true love and have seen us make our marriage work, so he doesn't really bother me. But the kids aren't really sure about it. A year ago, when he found out about me, he just decided that he loved me and my family and that was that. He didn't have to get to know us or anything. It's kind of confusing.So that's my conundrum and that's my story...
Hi Blondie, I am fortunate to have been raised by two loving biological parents. Even so, I can understand the confusion and trying to work out where everyone fits in. I think it's great though that you have met both of your biological parents.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
Hi Roz, yes, I am very fortunate to have met both of my bio parents and to have been raised by two wonderful parents. This will figure itself out. Thanks
DeleteWow Blondie, I'm glad I don't have your conundrum. I can imaging it is confusing to your children as well.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sunny. The good news is, I do know my bio parents and also my kids are all teenagers or young adults. We can all figure it out together somehow and however they want a relationship with him, that's up to them. My parents will always be my parents and my bio parents will always be my bio parents. No changing of that for me. Life is full.
DeleteI agree it is very confusing..he seems to be trying way too hard. Hope the new year is an very good one oft you..hugs abby
ReplyDeleteThanks abby. It is confusing and you are right, it is almost as if he is trying to hard. I wonder that too. I just don't know how to put everyone into their rightful place and not hurt anyone's feelings. I hope your new year is going great too.
DeleteHi, Blondie,
ReplyDeleteI get how hard this has to be and confusing. Praying for you.
--Baker
Thanks Baker, I need all the prayers I can get.
DeleteHi blondie i dont think i could just accept someone who had been missing all my life. Im sure its weird for your kids too. Perhaps hes just too presumtuous. Assuming u would welcome him with love and affection. Still, im sending positive vibes - hopefully you'll manage to suss everything out soon.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, he never knew about me until a year ago so he feels like he has to make up for lost time (which isn't possible because there is nothing to make up for). Presumptuous is a good word to describe him, I hadn't thought of it. Thank you for the positive vibes and I hope everything will suss out soon too.
DeleteGosh Blondie that is a conundrum with your bio family appearing after so long. It would be confusing for your children. Hope things work out. Sending positive vibes your way.
ReplyDeleteHugs Lindy xx
Thanks Lindy for all of your positive vibes. I like the word conundrum, it is a real good way to describe my feelings about it all. The kids are all young adults (15-24 years of age), so they are welcome to make their own decisions but I know they are confused too and concerned for me. They are good kids.
Deletehi Blondie, knowing how contrary kids can be, I would say don't encourage them too much to like him! maybe it s better that they are just polite , do you really want them to follow in his footsteps and pull a gun when they feel like it! It must be confusing for all of you, big hugs
ReplyDeletelove Jan, xx
Hi Jan, yes you are right. My bio dad is not the best role model and as long as they are polite, they don't have to like him or hang out with him. And I didn't make them do it. As a matter of fact, my two oldest barely did more than say hello, shake hands and head on their way. Last time he was here, I had us all have dinner together but not this time. The kids don't want to see me get hurt and are very protective of their ol' mom. Good kids
DeleteI think I would see him as a 'person of interest'. There is certainly no reason to dislike him, but neither do you have an obligation to care for him and bring him around your family. Just go with what feels comfortable to you and pretty much let the kids decide for themselves. I hope it all turns out like you want it to.
ReplyDeleteThanks PK. I wish I knew how I wanted it all to work out. Fortunately for me, he lives on the east coast while we live here in California, so the visits will not be regular. We have always encouraged the kids to think for themselves and I would hope that they would continue to do so but I think that they are also watching for me to decide how and where to put him and they would follow my lead to some extent. They are all old enough to make their own decisions. I do feel obligated, in a way, to have a relationship with him. But what kind of relationship is up in the air. It's easy when he isn't around but more difficult when he came to visit.
DeleteI'm not sure if I could accept someone that had been out of my life for so long. Confusing for everyone. I'm with PK, you have to let the children decide for themselves. Wishing that it turns out well for you all.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Ronnie
xx
Thanks Ronnie. I will definitely let the kids make their own decisions. I would never force them to like or dislike someone. As long as they are polite, which they are, they can make their own choices. But they don't want to see me get hurt, which I don't get hurt either. How thick is blood?
DeleteBlondie,
ReplyDeleteYou explained your mixed feelings so well. I think I would feel very much the same. Perhaps it would be better to meet him for dinner somewhere and get away from the home visits.
Sam's mother was certifiably crazy and a racist, too. We finally sat the kids down at the table and explained that their grandmother was not someone to emulate. All Sam asked is that they be polite when she came to visit and to ignore anything she said that seemed strange to them. When she left, we encouraged them to tell us about their feelings about the visit. It became almost humorous for them to tell us, "You won't believe what Grandma said, Mom!"
Sounds like you have a good relationship with your kids. They are probably smart enough to know how to ignore the stupid stuff.
Hugs From Ella
Thanks Ella. My 15 year old heard some stories that were kind of "you won't believe what Jim said". They are all young adults, old enough to know right from wrong. The first time he came to visit, he didn't come to my house but this time it was just easier to have him come around, even though he stayed at a hotel. But I never asked the kids to hang out, they all did their own thing. I like your story, sorry about your mother in-law.
DeleteHi Blondie, :) Big hugs to you! That's a complicated one! I guess that establishing good boundaries would be the thing to do. Ty can probably help you with that, should you need it. Sorting out what they should be, has to be tricky!
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting, because the often lifelong desire to "know" from where one came, can be strong- even with the most loving of parents. Once we venture down the road of discovery, it can become quite a conundrum- especially if one initiates it all. Info is gathered, imaginations have been replaced with some real knowledge, and now what? Expectations are not always in sync. That's hard... You don't want to hurt feelings, but at the same time, you have a family.
I think that Ella's idea of meeting away from your home is a good one- especially if you are worried about the kids/they feel uncomfortable. Not sure if you have read any, but there have been some books written about reunions, and they address a lot of this. Those might be helpful. Thinking of you. I understand. Love and hugs,
<3 Katie xoxo
Thanks Katie, you summed up the situation perfectly. I do/did want to know where I came from but now that I have met my bio parents, now I have to figure out where I want them in my life. It's interesting that the kids aren't excited about him since they have never really had grandparents that were active in their lives. They are just fine with what they have and are not looking for more. I should check out some books plus there are support groups too that might help. Thanks for your advice.
DeleteHi Blondie, That's quite a story! I don't have any personal experience in this arena but I would suggest that it is a blessing to be loved by the people who gave you life whether you have them in your daily world or not. You and your husband can make the boundary decision with your bio-Dad just as you would with anyone else. Best of luck to you all.
ReplyDeleteAmy
Amy, you are right, it is a blessing to be loved by them. I will never take that for granted. I don't want my children to feel uncomfortable and I don't want to hurt my parents..... I don't want anyone to get hurt and I want everyone to be happy. I just have to figure it all out.
Delete"A year ago, when he found out about me, he just decided that he loved me and my family and that was that. He didn't have to get to know us or anything. It's kind of confusing."
ReplyDeleteI can imagine it would be- talk about a lot of pressure for you. I hope you don't feel guilty because you don't feel the same way about him. Everyone in your adventure has their own reasons for their emotions, and you of all people should not feel guilty for being unsure what your's are or if you don't care for him. Heck lots of people don't even like the parents who raised them. Being a 'father' doesn't entitle you to anything if you don't deserve it. (Um not saying he doesn't).
willie
Thanks Willie, feeling guilty, that's my life story. I do care about him but I cannot just have feelings that I am his daughter even if he thinks of himself as my father. I can't do that to my dad. Things with my bio mom are much easier. She has never pushed her agenda on me, we took our time getting to know one another, and we care about each other. Jim isn't like that at all. He has been very kind to me but he also has just wanted a relationship before we even got to know one another. Aaaaaaahhhhh! Too much pressure.
DeleteI have read through several years worth of your blog and I can relate to the confusion that you feel with your bio-parents. I lived with my mother until I was about 1 year old, then my grandparents came and rescued my brother and I from neglect and/or abuse at the hands of our mother and/or the babysitter. I never met my father. He died when I was 20. We lived with our grandparents until I was 11 when my grandmother couldn't care for us anymore. They took me to live with my mother (in a different state) but kept my brother (long story). I ran away from my mother and her second husband's house when I was 14. I went straight to the police. They put me in a jail for girls (Yikes!!!) for a few weeks until they placed me in a children's home. Two years later I was reunited with my brother in a foster home in my home state. Two years after that I moved to a different state to go to college.
DeleteI had started to correspond through letters with my mother the last year or two during college. I invited her to come to my senior recital and my wedding a few months later. She came to both, even though she had to drive a long, long way to and from to get there both times. She felt slighted at the wedding even though I tried to honor her, my foster mom and my mother-in-law as equally as I could. I had carried 3 roses tucked into my bouquet as I walked down the aisle. I stopped to give each one of them a rose as I passed by them, only to find out that my mother had insisted that the usher seated her on the front row instead of my foster parents. Things went downhill from there...
This is a large post so I will have to use multiple entries to post all of it...
It has taken me years and years to work through all my emotions. What I am saying is, regardless of the outcome of what the relationship looks like with your bio-parents, you don't really have to "worry" about it. That is counterproductive. It sounds like your children are all fine and have a pretty healthy inner boundary set in place for your bio-dad. I think that all you need to do is to just monitor that he doesn't try to overstep those boundaries with them. Be watchful, yes. Worry, no. I think that is why you feel so much pressure. You seem to feel you need to know exactly where this is heading, but as long as you set limits to what you feel is inappropriate, and keep rethinking and resetting them as needed to keep everyone safe, happy and healthy, you can rest in the knowledge that you can and will step in if you need to. Maybe let your bio-dad know that pulling out his gun is a firm boundary for you, and that around you or your family it is not acceptable. If he truly does love you, he will respect that. You could also just let him know, in a non-combative way, that you are enjoying getting to know him and want to enjoy it and not try to speed through that process instead of taking the time to smell each rose as it comes along. That should take a lot of the pressure off of you.
DeleteIt sounds like your mom and dad are not worrying about this as much as you are. They seem to be solid in their position as your parents. Do you think that you might be projecting your own unease onto them, because I don't see, from what you have written, that they would ever think that your bio-parents were trying to replace them. That is the thing about love--there is room for everybody. Just sayin' :)
DeleteI do have a question for you, though. I have read several years worth of your blog. I can't remember where it was in those years, but I remember you said that you like to go to a nudist camp and also that you were thinking of inviting a third person to an intimate encounter sometime. You also talk about your faith in God as a Christian. Are you saying that you believe that those two things fit into Christian parameters? Please don't get me wrong. I mean this in the best of ways. After reading so much of your story, I can identify with you and want the best for you.